RenovationGirl

A Quiet Morning

It is very rare that I get to enjoy a quiet morning alone with a cup of coffee and just be. Today is one of those days...mind you, I have already gotten Builder Boy off to school complete with sleeping through the first alarm, construction that made the 5 minutes drive almost 15 minutes, or the hour of work I've already done, so this wasn't exactly a roll out of bed and enjoy the quiet kind of day. Nonetheless, after all the morning craziness, I grabbed my cup of coffee and here I am.

Just being.

Just thinking.

Just enjoying the cat purring on the couch behind me

...the wind rattling these 130 year old windows

...the cars rolling by on the street outside

...the sound of the furnace kicking on to warm the house.

The day ahead holds a few smaller projects that will finally be checked of my list after too long, a mountain of exams to finish grading, some lessons to be planned, a dinner to be cooked, and some laundry to fold, but for the now, they are just the future. And for once, I am just enjoying the now.

Have a good day, everyone!

The Wall

 

 I hit the wall just now.  Literally am sitting at my desk paralyzed by...life?  Lack of sleep?  Grief?  Everything?  Nonetheless, I had to stop teaching because I couldn't continue. 

For the past week I have maintained a productive schedule...hopping from the day job to the night job, teaching a stamping class, taking Builder Boy for a flu shot (and subsequent ice cream run), and working to clean up the ever dirty and disorganized house so I can decorate for the holidays.  I realized as I headed to bed at 12:30 last night (this morning?) that I had only gotten four hours of sleep every night this week.  Ugh.

I think I knew I was headed into the wall last week as I reflected on Thanksgiving.  I read all the blog posts on gratitude and thankfulness and realized, "I don't know what I'm thankful for."  Or worse, "I don't think I'm thankful for anything."  In reality, I AM thankful, but right now, I'm not feeling very thankful.  I tried to force myself to write about what I was thankful for to jar myself into feeling the gratitude, but I couldn't formulate the words. 

I read so many eloquent blogs...blogs that seems as if their writers spend a vast amount of time on each post, crafting the perfect sentence construction to create a well-flowing river of words.  I see blog friends working through issues using the power of the writing process.  Yet the words aren't coming for me...and if they do, they're certainly  not eloquent, thought-provoking, or complex.

So today, as I hit the wall, I wondered how I can scale this wall and make it to the other side.  I'm too tired to be complex, so simple is the way. 

 

Oscillation

Isn't that a great word-oscillate?  I had an oscillating fan at my first apartment...it was great to keep the air moving around on those oppressively hot days-back and forth, back and forth, bach and forth.  It soon developed a squeak that no WD-40 could remove.  It was annoying, but on those unfortunately on those oppressively hot days, a squeak was better than a wall of heat. 

I feel a little bit like that squeaky oscillating fan.  I find myself shifting back and forth between who I am and who I want to be.  I  make strides to who I want to be, but get pushed back when reality shoves its way in.  Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. 

I recently stumbled across a blog title (and can't find the link again!!) that discussed finding herself  in motherhood.  This is a common problem when you go from woman to mother.  You lose sight of who you are and how you fit into this world besides being a "mom."  I joke about "what I want to be when I grow up."  I don't have an answer to that, but I do know how I want to live and how that is nothing like how I am living. 

How am I living?  Tired.  Paycheck to paycheck.  I'm not reading enough or attending enough cultural events.  I'm not eating as well as I should and I'm not exercising at all.  My house is a disorganized, cluttered, and dirty disaster.  I don't spend enough time with my friends or doing the creative activities that make me peaceful.  Our lives lack structure and therefore discipline. I feel unfulfilled and insecure and static.

How do I want to live?  I want to have some financial security.  I want to scrapbook, write, read great books, hand-stamp cards.  I want to cook healthy meals (mostly from scratch) and exercise regularly.  I want to organize my home.  I want to visit (and be visited!) by friends.  I want to feel fulfilled and secure and dynamic. 

But every time I make great strides towards how I want to live, some obstacles get in my way.  Plans are foiled.  Disappointments abound.  When that does happen, it holds me down, makes me feel incapable of overcoming and I stagnate. 

As I watch my son play with my husband on this unseasonably warm April night, I know that before I know it, my little guy will be on his own, living his own life.  I need to figure out who I am and how to live this life now. 

How do you do it?  How do you live the life you want with the obstacles that have been placed in your path?

23 Hours of Heaven

It's Friday at 5:30 PM and while it normally would be pizza night at our house, I was meeting up with my friend Porsche Nut for 23 hours of absolute heaven.  For most, this might mean a spa weekend.  For us, it's a little different. 

Scrapbooking. 23 hours of scrapbooking. 

Those words would send my sister into a panic attack, but for Porsche Nut and myself, it was exactly what we needed.  Time together, away from our kids and husbands, doing what we love to do, but never allow ourselves the time.  And while it wasn't easy (we slept for maybe 4 hours) and it wasn't the best accommodations (it was held at a nun's retreat house), we got so much accomplished in our kiddo's albums.  And while we didn't get nearly done as we thought we would, these 23 hours did more than that...they renewed our passion for capturing memories and reminded us just how important doing enjoyable things for ourselves is.

ahhhhhh...

Too Much Stuff

Sometimes, the most obvious statements are the ones you need to hear.  Last week, BBM and her kiddos came to spend what turned out to be less than 24 hours with us. It was nice to see one another face to face and watch our kids play together again.  Big I and Builder Boy instantly picked up where they left off last year and Lil C tagged along some.  BBM and I enjoyed some much needed one on one time just sitting and eating and drinking and talking and laughing (ask her about the adventures of Renovation Girl and Bad Kitty...).  RIght before they were leaving, in my PMS hysteria, I asked her to be honest with me...was my house that bad? 

She looked around and said, "No.  You just have a lot of stuff."

I know this.  I live it, but hearing someone else say it was like someone was hitting me in the gut.  I always hate going to other people's houses because when I leave them, I always feel so horrible about my own house.  I have always blamed it on the fact that I live in a home that has seen 125+ years of living.  Most of my friends' homes haven't seen a combined 10 years.  Where I complain about holes in the ceiling and knob and tube wiring, they complain about a leaky faucet or what paint colors to choose.  It just doesn't compare.  So, I blamed the status of my home on the "old factor."  It could never look like their homes even if it was clean. 

But that's not it.  It's that new or old, they throw things away.  They are not pack rats.  They live simpler, tidier, clutter free  lives.  We don't.  I was thrown.  How do I fix this?  We have a lot of stuff in a lot of rooms.  We don't have an attic...we have an entire third floors with five good-sized rooms of stuff.  We have a basement that spans the length and width of the entire house filled with stuff.  Every mantle (we have seven) is loaded with pictures and candles and knick knacks.  There is stuff everywhere.  Yes, of course I know it's there, but I live with it, and so have grown accustomed to it.  So when BBM said, "You just have a lot of stuff" I realized just how bad things had gotten. And I did what I do when I am overwhelmed by my life.  I cried.  And reached out.

I reached out to my friend Porsche Nut who is currently knee-deep in old lady wall paper in her new house.  I sobbed.  I yelled.  I railed at the world.  And calmly listening to it, she comforted, provided insight, and even offered to leave her old-lady wallpaper mess to help me with my packrattiness (I said no, don't worry...This wallpaper is really bad and it is in every single room of her house!).  Our solution?  Not earth-shattering, but manageable.  Small chunks.  Take 30 minutes a day or every other day depending on my work schedule and just clean.  A drawer.  A couple of shelves. Part of a closet.  The most important part of this?  Get Remodel Man helping. 

The good news...we're doing it.  Sometimes, it's more than 30 minutes, other times it's only 15, but the important part is that we're trying.  We won't keep this motivation or momentum forever, but we are making progress now. My goal is to have my office space purged and organized by the beginning of school...this is doable.  I wish I cold get the entire house done by then, but it's not reasonable.  So we'll try for the one room and hope for the best.

Any pack rats out there?  How do you handle the attachment to items?

In the Early Morning Hours

I'm trying something new this week to help me with the constant feeling of being twenty steps behind in every phase of my life.  It is not an easy thing for me, but it has its rewards.

I'm getting up early. 

Okay, for most of you, this may not be an issue, but for me, who stays up extremely late grading papers, cleaning, and relaxing, this is a huge deal.  I feel that after an entire school year of getting four hours of sleep a night, I deserve my eight hours of sleep over the summer.  So, I would sleep in until Builder Boy would wake me.  Sometimes it's 7:30, other times it's 9:30.  When I got up that way, it felt good to sleep, but I had to go from wonderful sleep to spirited five year old...before my coffee.  By the time I got Builder Boy dressed and downstairs, we were already ready to kill one another.  Not a good way to start the day. Hence my early morning plan.

I'm not getting up that early, but earlier than he is.  I set the coffee the night before and some mornings I wake up to the smell of it brewing. Mmmmm. Some days I get my shower out of the way immediately, other times I just enjoy my warming early morning drink stinky and scungy, but relaxed and waking up more peacefully. I discovered that by doing this, I am more patient throughout the day.  I feel less resentful when I can't get my tasks done.  I am playing more and better with Builder Boy.  I am cooking healthier breakfasts and planning more dinners in.  I'm saying, "Just a minute" a lot less to Builder Boy.

All in all, these early morning hours are centering me for the day ahead and while I know this will not work during the school year (unless I want to only get three hours of sleep), it is good to know that we are peaceful and having fun for the summer months. 

I'm interested in how you center yourself.  What rituals or habits provide you with some peace?

A Better Day

I had a crappy weekend.  It wasn't any big thing that happened, just lots of little things which caused me to revert back to the "woe is me" and "life is unfair" pity party that ended in me sobbing hysterically. 

And then there was today.  Builder Boy went fishing with my parents and he was gone for four and a half hours.  It was heavenly.  I didn't take a nap.  I didn't read a book.  I didn't even take a shower.  I cleaned and organized and cleaned some more.  Did I mention that it was heavenly?

There is so much truth to the idea that you feel more in control if the space around you is neat, tidy, and organized.  While I still have a long way to go, having such a large chunk of time today to make a large dent allows me to feel like I am at least slightly closer to my goal of not living like pigs. 

It has also opened my eyes a bit to the wonderful things in my life.  Since hearing about my roommate, I have felt even more incompetent than usual, bringing up all my old post-teen insecurities.  But today, I think I finally accepted that I am who I am.  I will never live in an immaculate home.  I will never be as patient or creative a mom as I would like to be.  I will never be rich.  Oh well. I have this beautiful and spirited little boy who loves me in his way.  I am saving a piece of history and architecture by living in this "old" home, no matter that it bleeds me dry.  While we don't have any money to spare, we mostly make our bills every month.  And even though I hate the one place at which I work, I love the kids who I teach there. 

So there it is.  Today is a better day and I am able to remind myself of the blessings in my life.  There are days when this is very hard for me, but for today, I can see clearly.

If you haven't already done so, head on over to Black Belt Mama and congratulate her on her promotion to black belts (not one, but two of them!!) and check out her new design-it looks awesome and so does her black belt!  Also, Heidi finished her first IVF last week and got a negative.  My heart is breaking for her!  If you have a second, head on over and leave an encouraging comment. 

Find Your Happiness Friday

It's that time again...Find Your Happiness Friday.  Since this is a little slow taking off, I have decided to do a monthly giveaway instead of a weekly giveaway...the more Friday's you post, the more entries you get.  So, post your Happiness each Friday for a chance to win some beautiful hand-crafted items, as well as other random giveaways I might have.  If you don't know what Find Your Happiness Friday is, click here and join the fun!

My happiness today is a little bit bizarre.  And recently, it seems, that I have been focusing on organizing my life...while this is a good thing, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I have it together because I sooooo don't! Nonetheless, my happiness today is again home-related.

Right before Black Friday, my father called to say he was going out early on Black Friday for some bargains.  Having worked retail for so many years, I think these people are nuts, but there was a vacuum cleaner that I had seen for a great price and if he was already going out...what the heck!  So, Dad beat off some old biddies to procure said vacuum for me. 

Now, I am an avid bagged vacuum lover.  I like being able to take the bag off, put on a new one, and feel like I am starting fresh.  Bagless vacuums just seem to always be dusty and cleaning the container that holds the dust and dirt is gross and usually results in having to mop afterI've swept.  It drives me crazy.  But my new vacuum is bagless...and I have to say, both Remodel Man and I have a sick fascination with it.

My old vacuum was worn out.  It's sucking power was pathetic, the handle was broken and it often was stinky when in use.  So, as with any new vacuum cleaner, the first few times we vacuumed, not only did we get lots of dirt and dust the old vacuum had missed, but we also got a ton of carpet fiber.  With this new bagless cleaner, we were able to see, carpet by carpet, room by room, just how disgusting our carpets were.  Each time we finish one room, we stop, take out the container, exam just how much is in it, show the other person, and ooo and ah about how much "stuff" this vacuum picked up.  And lest you think these ridiculous feelings are a novelty, they're not.  We are on month 4 with this vacuum cleaner and we are still doing this.  Still amazed by how much it picks up.  Still showing one another our latest vacuuming adventures. 

Okay, so this is kind of a pathetic happiness, but it does make us happy.  We get to see how much we are truly "cleaning" and this makes us feel good. 

Please tell me that you have something that makes you happy this week...and I hope it's more exciting than my bagless vacuum cleaner...

Find Your Happiness Friday

 

So here it is...our second Find Your Happiness Friday.  If you don't know what this is, go here to read about it.  It's okay if you don't use the banner (although I would really appreciate it because BBM worked really hard on them), but do link back to here and leave a comment so that we can all go read about YOUR happiness.

I didn't have time to take a picture this week, but the giveaway will be a beaded pen with two gift tag card thingies. 

My happiness this week?  I got caught up on all of my grading for school and will be able to finish my grades early for the first time in, oh, maybe 10 years!!!  Yippee!!!!  Boy, does it feel good to not have a million things hanging over my head!  Now I can try to work ahead just a little so that I can keep this great feeling going! 

Okay, so how are you finding your happiness this week?

Find Your Happiness Friday

Have you all been waiting in excitement for what Friday's post has in store for you?  The wait is over, my blog friends, and I hope you like what I have for you.

On Monday, I talked about how it seems that people as a whole are unhappy in some form or another. This makes me sad, and I guess, more unhappy.  I thought a lot about what I could do to find a little more happiness to get me throught those especially dark days, and how I could help others find their happiness. 

 

Here's how it works.  Each Friday, I will post something that makes me feel happy.  This can be a simple hug from my son or a solution to a complex problem.  You can do the same.  If you choose to participate, please link back to me and use the button below on your blog:

 

Here's the html code that you can copy and paste into your posts: 

<P><A style="DISPLAY: inline" href="http://therenovators.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54fe7c6c68833011168f09e6b970c-pi"><img  class="at-xid-6a00e54fe7c6c68833011168f09e6b970c " alt=FindingHappinessButton src="http://therenovators.typepad.com/.a/6a00e54fe7c6c68833011168f09e6b970c-500wi"></A>&nbsp; </P>

You should also leave a comment after my Find Your Happiness post to let me know that you have posted something.  This way we can visit your blog to see what's making YOU  happy AND everyone who does a Find Your Happiness post will be entered to win something different each week.  This week, I am giving away a set of four hand-crafted, hand-stamped cards, two birthday and two thank you cards:

   

Winner will be chosen randomly Monday evening, after 9:00 EST.  If you do not have a blog, you are still able to join in the happiness...just post how you are finding your happiness this week in the comments section!

Let's get to it...How did I find my happiness this week?  I started to re-organize my kitchen cabinets.  Here is the before of the first cabinet:

 

And after:

 

Here is the before of cabinet two:

 

And before:

 

THIS makes me happy.  And I'm hoping this just the beginning of more organization.  I took my time doing these amongst much chaos, and while it was crazy while I was working on it, the final result makes me feel slightly more in control of my life. 

So, how are you finding your happiness?