RenovationGirl

The Year of Me

I usually hate New Year's Eve. It is such a lot of pressure (a big party! the perfect dress! ) for just another 11:59 PM turning to 12:00 AM. A sadness overcomes me as I recognize how quickly time is passing (especially since becoming a mother) and I have trouble looking to the year ahead. This year, however, New Year's kind of sneaked up on me and I was like, whatever! (as the kids say...) I mentioned to Remodel Man that past years, I was ready to kick the previous year in the butt-they had been filled with tragedy and sorrow, illness and strife-but this year, well, it just was. He kind of looked at me funny, and waited. And waited. And waited. I guess I'm kind of slow because it hadn't occurred to me that this year, too, was sorrowful. We lost our fourth baby. We had two failed IUI cycles. I had a breast cancer scare. I had heart issues. I was horribly depressed.

Wow. Not exactly an easy year.

But this year's passing was a bit different. While our infertility journey ended and we still hurt over that, we feel resolved that we are done. We are a family of three. This is okay. We have learned to deal with this and have moved on. While there are reminders of it everywhere, we experience momentary sadness, then pick up and move on. There is an intense relief in this. So as we moved from 2011 to 2012, it was with a sense of, eh, whatever.

This year, however, I have dubbed "The Year of Me." This sounds incredibly selfish, doesn't it? I don't mean it to be, but I do need to focus on me a bit more. My health is suffering. My mental wellness is, well, pathetic. My life is a constant chaotic mess. This all needs to change and only I can do that. Hence, the year of me. While I don't want to make resolutions, I do want to better myself through all the normal New Year resolutions kind of way. Exercise. Better eating. Getting organized. Paying down our debt. Being more mindful. Working more on my spiritual side. See, all the normal things.

So here I am, embarking on another year with the resolution to be a better person. The Year of Me! Yippee!!

Everyone But Me

I work part-time in a pharmacy.  I see what scripts come in and what prescriptions go out.  I know that huge number of the population on some type of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-your-life-sucks-and-you-need-to-take-the-edge-off.  I also know that many, many friends place a call to their doctors asking for anti-whatever, and over the phone get prescribed something.  Isn't everyone on something??? 

So imagine my surprise when my doctor refused to put me on something for my horrible, can't breathe, think I'm suffocating, anxiety attacks I've been having.  For years, I have suffered...I have meditated, and drank chamomile tea, I have talked with friends and blogged, I have thrown things and petted things.  I have tried to overcome this alone, not afraid to ask the doctor, but convinced that it would go away-but it hasn't.  But she doesn't care about this...she still refused to put me on something. Instead, she is forcing me into therapy.

Not let me state clearly that I am a huge proponent of therapy.  I believe we all can benefit from a little therapy now and then.  I have sent myself to therapy years ago to get over a broken heart that was refusing to heal...it helped.  It really did.  It helped me see why I was feeling that way I was feeling and it allowed me to talk about the situation freely without judgement or worry.  But this time, it's different. I know what I am feeling.  I talk about it all the time to anyone who will pretend to  listen.  I blog about it.  I read others going through it.  I seek help from those who understand.  I cry.  I get angry.  I let myself feel all the yucky the infertility brings.  I'm sad.  I'm mourning.  I'm angry.  What can the therapist possibly tell me that will shed any light on this?  Yes, I'm sure there's things we can talk about, I'm sure the therapist will show me the many errors of my ways since birth (and the ways of my parents, too, no doubt), but what good will that do?  When you are already stressed to the hilt because you don't have time to anything, what will adding another appointment 35 minutes away do to help?  Having to pay for a babysitter with money I don't have to go to an appointment to talk about feelings I acknowledge every day? 

I'm so angry about this.  I understand thattruly, general practitioners should not be doling out prescriptions for psychiatric drugs.  It's not their specialty.  But when you have a patient who jumps through all your flaming hoops (bloodwork, stress tests, echo, EKGs), who deals with you honestly, who pays her $20 copay twice in two weeks so you can meet with her for five minutes, who admits that she's pretty sure she would only want a short-term prescription to get over this nasty hump she finds herself at, why could you not throw her a bone?  Give her three months, for goodness' sake! 

The general consensus is to find another doctor, which I will do in the near future.  For now, though, I'm just dealing.  Not drugs, of course, since I can't get a darn prescription for anything...but dealing nonetheless.

Just Try To Wipe This Smile Off My Face (Final Episode of the Boob Saga)

Monday to Wednesday night had to be some of the longest days of my life.  I tried very hard to stay in a good place and focus on what the doctor said...it looked benign.  People who know these kind of things assured me that she wouldn't have said this if she wasn't very sure of this.  And I did really well. 

The doctor had told me that the results would come back rather quickly and I could hear as early as Wednesday.  Of course, I spent much of Wednesday sneaking away from the training session I was in to see if she had left a message.  On the drive home from the training session, it all kind of hit me.  How life-altering this message could be. The plans that would have to be made.  The decisions.  The management of it all.  It overwhelmed me.  After holding it all for two days, the floodgates had opened.

I had just enough time to drive from one part of the city to the other, hopping from one job to the next.  I spent most of that time losing it and controlling myself on a repeated cycle.  As I got closer to work, I managed to pull myself together enough.  But I did spend much of my time there continuing to check my messages.  Finally, after 5, the doctor had called. 

Let me just interject here that this imaging center has provided me with the utmost care and concern.  You always expect pediatric places or places that deal with potentially terminal conditions will give incredibly kind and compassionate care. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case as my aunt has discovered as she battles breast cancer.  But the place I went to was amazing from setting the appointment to talking to the doctor about the biopsy results. 

So I called the doctor, on her cell phone!, and she told me the news.

BENIGN.  Come back in a year.

And since that moment, I haven't stopped smiling. 

Outlook

As I type this, I'm sitting amidst in our school library, listening to the rustle of pages, the hushed whispers of worried students, the hum of the ancient heater.  Outside the window is a white-covered world.  A gloomy Pittsburgh day, misting more than snowing.  Ice glistens dangerously and surprisingly on the salt stained streets.  All foretold, my outlook should be gloomy and down-trodden and defeated.

If you've never lived in this part of the country, perhaps you can't understand how deeply your mood can be affected by the climate.  Around this time of your, people in this area start to feel a bit depressed.  You feel as if spring will never get here.  That we will remain cloaked in this grayness forever. 

I feel very aware of this.  I'm reminding myself daily that soon I will see my tulips pushing through the tired snow, shockingly green and vibrant amidst the white.  My neighbor's tree will start to show it's leaves, always an early bloomer, providing hope. 

Outlook really is half the battle.  As a "glass half-empty" kind of girl, I am working hard to change my outlook.  Just today, as fear and worry gripped me over something beyond my control, I stopped.  Literally stopped and told myself that yes, this is beyond my control.  If I cannot control it, I must try to not be gripped by that fear and worry.  While this isn't always a feasible solution, it's working on the issues I have right now and I can slowly feel the tension in my shoulders soften, the worry lines smooth out, the tightness in my chest release. 

Deep breathe in....slow breathe out....cleansing...energizing...

How's your outlook today?  What kind of things do you do to move past the fear and worry?

Next Year Will Be Different

This post was supposed to be posted last week...oops! 

Merry Christmas to all of you! I hope you enjoyed the holiday and were able to spend it with family and friends.  I'm always so amazed by how quickly it goes by...much faster as an adult than it ever did as a child.  Perhaps because now I'm the one preparing everything!  We had a lovely time together!  All (minus one) sibling of Remodel Man's was in town for the Christmas Eve celebration and it is good to be together.  It's  always a party when all the sibling are home!  We surprised his parents with a new flat screen, HDTV.  I thought they were going to have heart attacks-perhaps at their age we should have prepared them???  Christmas Day we spent with my family.  My mother always makes an excellent dinner!  My parents spoiled all of us ridiculously and I won't lie that it felt very nice!  I bought a lot of the gifts for my mom to give all of us, but she surprised me with some other items that were awesome!  I love that!  My boys also spoiled me.  My fav gift?  My new Lisa Leonard necklace!  Heidi has had me obsessing over one for a long time now, so I'm so glad to finally feed my obsession!!  I'll update with pictures later.

But as the holidays fades into the past, it is the time of year that we all begin thinking about the future.  Blog posts will saturate blogosphere with resolutions and reflections.  My reflecting started a while back.  As I saw the Christmas stress spiralling out of control ending up in a breakdown theTuesday before Christmas where I could not (and I literally could not) get off of the couch, I knew that things had to change.  So I vow, next year will be different, for Christmas at least, and it's going to start now.  I've had most of my shopping done since August (yep, I'm that person!).  I shop August toy clearances so that I can get the kids I buy for more expensive toys without breaking the bank. Yet, there I was wrapping the presents as we were leaving for the presents' destination.  There I was racing to the post office to spend a fortune on priority mail so that all presents reached their new homes before Santa came down the chimney.  There I was, Christmas eve night, realizing I didn't have enough presents for my sister.  Argh!  So next year, I vow to be better organized with presents: 

1. I will keep a running log of what I buy, how much it was, etc. I have done this in the past and it worked beautifully.
2. I will wrap starting in October.  I have the wrapping paper, I might as well get the darn things wrapped up. 
3. I will buy less...while this is a topic for a future post, I will be crossing people off of my Christmas list for next year...not out of spite, but out of practicality. 

While I really did put less pressure on myself this year to have a Martha Stewart-type holiday, still I felt the typical holiday pressure...so here are a few more vows I am taking for next holiday:

1. I will bring up the decoration boxes before Thanksgiving.  Since I usually work 30+ hours the weekend after Thanksgiving (at one of the part-time jobs), it's not feasible to start decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving.  So, boxes up before Turkey day, then I can slowly, night by night, put up decorations instead of frantically trying to do it in one day. 
2. I will bake and freeze early.  So many cookies are easily frozen at some stage of baking or another so why am I not doing that??  Some of those early fall days when the air is crisp is a perfect time to whip up a batch of Christmas cookies.
3. I will either hand-make my Christmas cards again -or- start gathering pictures earlier.  Ordering cards from a mail-service place two weeks before Christmas is a little stressful.
4. I will not lose my address book in November...mind you, first I need to find the address book again, but when I do, I will not lose it.  I had to wait until people emailed me back their addresses in order to send cards...
5. I will start playing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.  Yes, I know we rush each holiday season, but Thanksgiving is a man-made holiday-Christmas is God-made.  I'm thinking it's okay if I revel in carols even before we celebrate those pilgrims!  (And is there ever a time to be more thankful than Jesus' birthday?)
6. I will incorporate more service into the holiday season, specifically with Builder Boy. 
7. I will buy an Advent wreath and use it.  (Seriously can't believe I don't own one!)

I'm sure there are plenty of other additions to my list.  I'm sure I will still find myself frenzied next holiday even after doing all of the above, but I think these will definitely help with the stress.

Oh, and #8 on my list of things to do next year is actually something NOT to do...I would really like to NOT have PMS next year the week before Christmas OR get my period a week early, on the day after Christmas. 

New Year's post to follow shortly.  I'm a little behind on things.  What a way to start the year! ;)

Surgical Regrets

Remember the Frank Sinatra song..."My Way?"  Let me refresh your memory. "Regrets...I've had a few..."  I find myself singing this song today for that line.  I had my laproscopic surgery on Thursday to determine if I had endometriosis and to remove any scar tissue found.  Last week was a whirlwind of fear and unexpected hospital stays that culminating in a surgery that may have proved to be unnecessary.  Let's recap.

On Sunday, my father was taken to the ER for two days of vomiting and severe stomach cramps.  He was admitted and had his gallbladder removed Monday night.  Besides finding an adominal anuerysm, all went well.  I was going to cancel my surgery yet again, but because they were able to do the gallbladder removal laproscopically, I decided to go ahead with my own procedure.  The days before I had to spend figuring out how to get Builder Boy to and from school, have someone to watch him after school, how to get me to and from the hospital, and how to function alone post-anesthesia.  My go-to gal (my mom) had her hands full with my dad and my other go-to gal (my sister) is so busy at work we didn't want to bother her.  It was stressful to say the least.  Couple this with an overwhelming fear that I would die during the surgery and I was a pleasure to be around.  I spent showers sobbing thinking about all that could go wrong and that how irresponsible this was fo us to do while we already had a child.  I wasn't sleeping as I thought about poor Builder Boy growing up without me.  And I thought of all the pressure on Remodel Man to go it alone.  Yes, I know this was anxiety working on me.  A very dear friend pointed this out to me and it helped me in dealing with the fear. 

Dad came home on Wednesday and was doing well, so mom and dad decided that she would come down and pick up Builder Boy from school and stay with him until we got home.  This alleviated some stress, but also added to it-dad would be home alone and what if something happened? With my aunt and my dad's best friend on call, mom headed down to help out with many phone calls home to her honey.

I woke up Thursday less anxious and feeling more prepared.  The hospital we go to is an amazing place with the kindest staff I've ever experienced in a hospital.  They held my hand (literally) through both D&Cs and encouraged me to cry as we waited for both procedures.  They asked me questions about my life and got to know me.  They cracked jokes and answered questions.  This visit to the hospital was no different.  They were kind, supportive, encouraging and put me at ease.  They clearly respect my doctor and he clearly holds them in high esteem.  The procedure went fine and I went into recovery with another set of kind and amazing nurses.  Besides throwing up immediately upon waking (OUCH!), the rest of the recovery went okay.

So the regret part?  The doctor found some signs of scar tissue, which he removed, but it wasn't much.  Stage 1 or maybe Stage 2.  Just from some minor research, with such little amounts of it, the surgery was probably unnecessary and was probably not the reason for our inability to get or stay pregnant.  And this was very discouraging.  I feel very weepy about losing out on a beautiful fall weekend with my son because of a procedure that probably isn't going to give him a sibling.  I am using up three precious sick days for nothing.  I woke up last night sick with a fever that has yet to break.  I am worried about infection or something worse.  And for what?

I know there was no way to know how severe the endometriosis was without surgery, but I just feel like our desperation has reached new levels when I thought we were heading into the acceptance phase of this infertility journey. Our next steps?  No idea...

 

Oscillation

Isn't that a great word-oscillate?  I had an oscillating fan at my first apartment...it was great to keep the air moving around on those oppressively hot days-back and forth, back and forth, bach and forth.  It soon developed a squeak that no WD-40 could remove.  It was annoying, but on those unfortunately on those oppressively hot days, a squeak was better than a wall of heat. 

I feel a little bit like that squeaky oscillating fan.  I find myself shifting back and forth between who I am and who I want to be.  I  make strides to who I want to be, but get pushed back when reality shoves its way in.  Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. 

I recently stumbled across a blog title (and can't find the link again!!) that discussed finding herself  in motherhood.  This is a common problem when you go from woman to mother.  You lose sight of who you are and how you fit into this world besides being a "mom."  I joke about "what I want to be when I grow up."  I don't have an answer to that, but I do know how I want to live and how that is nothing like how I am living. 

How am I living?  Tired.  Paycheck to paycheck.  I'm not reading enough or attending enough cultural events.  I'm not eating as well as I should and I'm not exercising at all.  My house is a disorganized, cluttered, and dirty disaster.  I don't spend enough time with my friends or doing the creative activities that make me peaceful.  Our lives lack structure and therefore discipline. I feel unfulfilled and insecure and static.

How do I want to live?  I want to have some financial security.  I want to scrapbook, write, read great books, hand-stamp cards.  I want to cook healthy meals (mostly from scratch) and exercise regularly.  I want to organize my home.  I want to visit (and be visited!) by friends.  I want to feel fulfilled and secure and dynamic. 

But every time I make great strides towards how I want to live, some obstacles get in my way.  Plans are foiled.  Disappointments abound.  When that does happen, it holds me down, makes me feel incapable of overcoming and I stagnate. 

As I watch my son play with my husband on this unseasonably warm April night, I know that before I know it, my little guy will be on his own, living his own life.  I need to figure out who I am and how to live this life now. 

How do you do it?  How do you live the life you want with the obstacles that have been placed in your path?

23 Hours of Heaven

It's Friday at 5:30 PM and while it normally would be pizza night at our house, I was meeting up with my friend Porsche Nut for 23 hours of absolute heaven.  For most, this might mean a spa weekend.  For us, it's a little different. 

Scrapbooking. 23 hours of scrapbooking. 

Those words would send my sister into a panic attack, but for Porsche Nut and myself, it was exactly what we needed.  Time together, away from our kids and husbands, doing what we love to do, but never allow ourselves the time.  And while it wasn't easy (we slept for maybe 4 hours) and it wasn't the best accommodations (it was held at a nun's retreat house), we got so much accomplished in our kiddo's albums.  And while we didn't get nearly done as we thought we would, these 23 hours did more than that...they renewed our passion for capturing memories and reminded us just how important doing enjoyable things for ourselves is.

ahhhhhh...

The New Year Starts Today

Okay, well, it was supposed to start today.  You see, every year, I find it hard to work on some of my resolutions because I still have residual holiday crap at my house.  You know those hangers-on from the holidays...the box of milk chocolates that were a hostess gift, the extra cookies in the freezer, the chips and crackers and cheeses left over from the party.  So, I always give myself until the Monday after January 1st to begin my "new year."  But, this year, I still have a lot of hangers-on, so my new year will be starting in a few days. (yea, yea, yea, I know I could throw away the leftover stuff, but ya know, I'm not a waster...)

It seems so cliche to write about your resolutions...resolutions that we all know will fade away into the late-winter blues.  We all pretty much have the same resolutions (be healthier, be a better person, get more organized), we just have different ideas on meeting those goals. 

So what are mine and how will I get there? Here goes nothing...

1.  I will continue to try to get our home de-cluttered and somewhat organized.  I am going back to this idea will work.  It the slow, but sure method of cleaning.  We are also working already on cleaning out our third floor...donating items, throwing away items, reorganizing.  We have a lot of square footage up there covered by all the "stuff."  We have committed to doing things the right way-instead of moving piles, we're taking care of the piles.  It takes longer, but the effects last a lot longer.  

2.  I will get back to planning my meals out so that I don't have the 5:00 dinner freak out which usually results in takeout or eating out.  It's a process I enjoy, but it so often gets thrown to the wayside when things get harried. And I am also going to remember that when I don't think I have anything to make for dinner, I need to really look in my freezer because usually there is something there I could make.

3.  I will try to eat better.  I'm thinking I'll do Weight Watchers again online.  It worked the first time and I felt better.  This time, though, I'd like to include more exercise.  This requires our treadmill to come from the third floor (see #1) to the second floor.  The room that it is going into needs to be cleaned up and out, so I'll have to do that first.

4.  I will try to be a better mother and wife.  This is always on my list all the time, New Year's or not.  To accomplish this, I am going to try to spend at least one full hour of time with my son without distractions...no internet, no cooking, no phone calls, etc.  This helps me feel less guilty as I leave for work for the second time in a day, or have to make dinner, or clean the bathroom, etc.  Knowing that I spent that quality time with him makes all the difference in both of ours lives.

5.  I will try to worry more about myself.  Sounds selfish, but over the past year (and the four years before that), I have spent very little time taking care of myself.  I need me time.  I need time to be creative, to write, scrapbook, create cards, bake, have a drink with friends.  This makes me happier which makes me a better mother and wife and teacher and daughter. I have already started to work on this by blogging a bit and planning on an overnight crop with one of my bestest friends (and the money has been paid, so we're officially doing it!! Thanks, Porsche Nut!)

6.  Lastly, I will continue trying to spend less and save more.  I started six months ago by "paying myself first" and putting away 10% of my income-which on what I make is not much, but it has helped to build up the non-existent savings account.  We are in a lot of debt, so this can't be a resolution that falls off the radar.  We have no choice but to take care of this.  More to come on this in a separate post.

So, that's my list.  Notice they all start with "I will try" because I don't' want the pressure of failing at them.  Some days, I will do well, others I won't.  That's reality. Here's hoping that I can manage most of them.  So what's on your lists this year?

Say Something Funny, My Laughter's Running Out

Builder Boy loves when we laugh at something he does or says.  He is a funny kid and this often happens.  But, like I'm sure many kids, he doesn't know when it's just not funny anymore.  He'll say or do whatever makes us laugh over and over and over again.  He used to get very angry when we weren't laughing anymore, too.  He's starting to understand that what was funny at first, after 100 or so times, it's just not that funny to others. 

He has never been a child to whom laughing came easily.  He did the whole belly laugh when he was a baby, but as he grew up, it took a lot to make him really laugh.  So, when he gets started, he likes to keep going. The other night in the car, the three of us we were goofing around and laughing about something and, as laughter does, our knee-slapping laughter turned to chuckles to giggles to merely smiles on our faces.  It got peacefully and companionably quiet in the car when we heard Builder Boy from the back say, "Say something funny, my laugher's running out."  That started the laughter all over again.

But later, after we had put him to bed, his simple and uncomplicated comment hit me.  For over a year now, my laugher's has run out.  It's been tough and a constant barrage of complications.  My heart has ached and my shoulder have been weighed heavy with burden.  And I have, in my own way, begged out of desperation for someone to "say something funny" to help bring that laughter back. But I've learned in the past year that no one but yourself can bring that laughter back.  And while I'm still not laughing, I'm finding a chuckle now and then.  I feel as if the clouds have parted a bit and the sun is sneaking through here and there.  And while life is still throwing complications our way (my father-in-law is currently in the hospital with some crazy infection), I feel as if I  might be moving forward now. It's a good feeling and one that I have needed for quite some time. 

So, if you have something funny to say, I know for a fact that someone somewhere has their laughter running out...