At some point during a personal struggle, there is a turning point. That moment when you realize that you will be okay, that you will make it. This time around, I didn't think I'd get there. It's been a week and a half since the D&C...it feels like a lifetime. When I wrote the last post, I was rock bottom. In a place where I feared to go, but I never truly knew the depths of this place. I commented to a friend today that in retrospect, it seems so silly, yet in the moment, the despair and darkness is terrifyingly overwhelming. All was lost in my mind. No happiness could be found. That was the end for me.
Shortly after I wrote the post, I received word from some colleagues of a rather bad situation at our work. It wasn't surprising since the professional atmosphere is practically non-existent and there was some foreshadowing of this situation. As soon as word got out about this, the phone calls commenced. Just the mere talking to colleagues about work helped to start pulling me out of the pit I was in. Concentrating on something else besides me and my struggles lifted some kind of weight I had been feeling.
This is not to say that it's easy to pull out of those times. It's not. It's not a quick fix. You don't just jump back to your former self. There is a void and a pain. There is an ache. Some days, you move along perfectly fine. Other days, you feel paralyzed by your grief. But not feeling the constant weight every second of the day is forward movement.
I've learned during this last loss that for the most part, if someone hasn't gone through pregnancy loss, especially recurrent loss, they have no idea how difficult it is. I've felt "blown off" by many people close to me and I truly think it's total ignorance. They have no idea. I thank God for my sister-in-law whose support and prayers have been an immeasurable help to me and for the friends who have reached out, especially those who are blessedly fertile and have no idea what any of this is like. I have work friends who I know only through work (and therefore only in that barely know you except for work way) whose hearts broke with mine when this all happened. It is because of these people that I am still kicking along.
So I work on moving forward. I'm working on enjoying these beautiful summer days with Builder Boy, finding lots of fun activities to do, or just generally enjoying our home and yard. I suppose if you must go through a loss, having it during sunny summer days help to lift your spirits.
You sound like you've hit a turning point. I'm glad to "hear" a little oomph in your writing voice. I've been thinking about you often!
Posted by: Heidi | July 06, 2011 at 08:15 PM
Im glad you have reached a turning point, to be honest im on the other side with a sister in law for my only and favorite brother who has lost two babies. its been a year and to be honest im not sure what my response is supposed to be. i feel terrible that they cant seem to fall pregnant and they are young and all those good things but at the same time i am dealing with my own loss of what i thought our lives would be like (cousins etc) i know that is terribly unfair as i have 'everything without ever really wanting it' but its still a loss for me and our family. As I said any advise for the other side?? Your so strong to have gone through this again and builder boy is lucky to have you and so are we i love reading your blog
Posted by: Mizasiwa | July 07, 2011 at 05:05 AM