It's a beautiful weekend in our area. The humidity is low, the air is warm with a cool breeze and the rain has been minimal. This weekend should have seen me painting the metal porch furniture that was my grandparent's (you would call is retro, but it's actually original 1950's metal furniture), finishing the mulching I started over a month ago, finish planting flowers that I started weeks ago, doing laundry, cleaning up around the house, going to the drive-in, and lots more. Instead, I have spent it moving from bed, to couch, to chair, to patio couch, to kitchen chair. I feel as if I was hit by a truck.
The pain from the D&C is minimal...is has been every time, but what does me in is the anesthesia. I am dizzy and exhausted and my eyes are dilated (almost 48 hours later) enough that it makes me woozy. I am completely useless to do anything.
Friday was such a whirlwind that I didn't really have time to process it all...all of a sudden I was in surgery and my baby was gone. Today, though, it did hit me like a ton of bricks. My baby is gone. To be truthful, we tried not to invest too much emotionally in this pregnancy. Our track record makes joy at a positive test impossible, but as each week went on and we had some growth and then a heartbeat, the investment,while low, was still there. If you've lost a pregnancy, you know that once the baby is gone, you feel, really, truly feel a piece of you is missing. There's an emptiness. A loneliness. It's not a void you can fill with a call to a friend or by reading a good book. It's gnawing and achy and gut-wrenching.
That's where I find myself now. Recovering from the anesthesia, facing the reality that the pregnancy is over, and feeling all around yucky. I know we will recover from this-we have three times before. I know it takes time. I just wish it could be faster. It's summer. I'm off from my full-time job, at home pretending I'm a stay-at-home mom. This should be a fun, carefree time to spend with my kiddo, not a time to feel sad and depressed.
And yet, I am...
Been thinking about you a lot! (((hugs)))
Posted by: Heidi | June 28, 2011 at 10:27 PM