Many years ago, what seems like a lifetime ago, I was distraught over a recent breakup. This short, bizarre friendship-turned-relationship was never healthy, never meant to be, yet it destroyed me to the core. We were just a year out of college and all living in different places. Our core group of friends was still close-knit and tuned into the one another's lives. "Real" jobs, marriages, kids and general adult responsibilities hadn't yet taken hold of our lives. And so after a particularly raw and gut-wrenching phone call with a friend six hours away, my doorbell rang and standing on my threshold was another of our friends holding a six pack.
This memory remains one of my best and most amazing friend moments of all times. Being so close-knit, the friend who was six hours away called the friend closest to me-an hour and a half away. She immediately hopped in her car, grabbed a six pack, and showed up at my door very late at night just to be there for me. To help me get through that dark time.
I am not well. This pregnancy loss (#4 for those who stopped counting) has been by far the roughest on me. I have attempted to write about it for days now, but words allude me. I told Remodel Man that it's as if I feel like I don't exist and that I could explode all at the same time. I feel as if the world is moving around me, not even knowing that I am there. I feel very alone.
I'm not sure why this one is so bad. Perhaps the sheer number of losses is adding up emotionally. Perhaps it's because we had moved on from this journey only to be pulled back in so cruelly. But what I really think makes this one the worst is the fact that I have not talked to one single person about it. Not one.
My mother is dealing with my aunt's Stage III breast cancer diagnosis. My sister has been out of town. Remodel Man is overwhelmed with his new job. And not one person called me. I sat alone in that hospital bed, waiting for them to take my baby, and I sit alone now. Sure, I could call any one of my friends and ask if they would listen, but who wants to have to do that? Why should I have to? I'm the one in pain...What I want is someone to have called me...not email, not text, but call. Live person breathing on the phone. Hearing a voice. Knowing that someone is taking the time to make that call. Taking their precious time to see how you are. To be there.
Instead I go through the motions of my day. I parent Builder Boy (not well these days, but we get through), I work, I cook, I clean, I talk to neighbors. As the day goes on, as darkness descends, the grief overtakes me. I lay in bed, exhausted yet wide awake. A blank mind and a full soul. Prayers are fleeting. Words desert me.
Then morning comes and I do it all again.
Please - send me your number! (((hugs))) I've switched phones since we got together last summer and don't have it anymore.
Posted by: Heidi | June 29, 2011 at 04:48 PM