I just sat here for a good ten minutes trying to come up with a title for this post...clearly, I never thought of one. This is where my mind seems to be these days...trying desperately to find clarity or an answer but never getting anything specific. The past week has been rough...waiting for the monthly reminder of my failure as a woman, dealing with the monthly reminder, paying the RE bill, wondering when the heck Spring will ever show her lovely, warm, and sunny self. I've made it through...I wait for peace and grace and for the resentment of others to abate. I'm still waiting...
What's particularly rough when you've been doing this whole infertility thing for so long is that people get tired of dealing with you. I know I've addressed this before...People are busy and I think they really think that either A. They've been there for you before on this topic so why should they be there this time? or B. You've been here before so you should be a pro at dealing with it. Point A totally infuriates me as I sit and listen to certain individuals in my life whine and complain about the same silly irritations in their lives over and over and over again. Point B confuses me because grief is grief is grief. It doesn't matter if you're dealing with grief for the first time or the fiftieth time-it hurts, it sucks, and you need support.
I do such a good job of being a Libra. I like balance...I like others to feel balanced when they talk to me...so when I do talk to people, I encourage them to talk...you would be surprised (or would you be?) to learn that most people will never ask you about yourself. It's really a pathetic statement on humankind, isn't it? I can't tell you how many friends I've talked to during the past few months who just talk and talk about themselves, never once considering my feelings or needs. (PorsheNut, you're excluded from this as our conversations have been very one-sided my way...thank you for this...) During this past week, I've felt very alone and very let down. I know, I know, my friends aretired by my infertility journey. I get that...but I get weary of their "issues," too, and yet I try to be there, even at my darkest moments. I'm not perfect (ask PorsheNut), but I do try.
In the midst of all this, my own family has been struggling. My uncle has been in and out of surgery for a bad fall he took on the ice a few months ago...he needs another surgery to cut back a screw they put in his new shoulder which is rubbing him from the inside (if you follow BBM, you'll feel like this is deja vu) but cannot do it until they regulate his all of a sudden irregular heartbeat. He lives by himself which leaves my mother and aunt to help care for him. Then, yesterday I learned that my aunt has breast cancer, the same cancer that killed her sister. We are, of course, devastated and desperately want specifics and answers (they're coming on Tuesday after a meeting with the surgeon). I can't help but feel that the dark cloud that followed me around two years ago merely hid for awhile but is back in full force. Your prayers for my family are much appreciated.
So that's where I am...a shell of a woman, filled with anger, and frustations, and questions, and impatience. Can you imagine what I'm like to live with? Yea...
