RenovationGirl

A Girl Walks Into Her RE's Office...

Wow, it's amazing how fast time flies when you're not blogging!  The silence is only caused by the whirlwind of the past two weeks.  All I've wanted to do is blog about lots of things, and I found that I didn't have the time, didn't have the voice, or wrote something crappy and deleted it. 

It has been a whirlwind! After our last cycle went bust, I started waiting for my period to come...it took awhile to visit and once it did, it lasted a good seven days.  Ugh.  But, exactly four days after my period ended, another period showed up.  ???  I was a bit shocked as people are when they find expected blood and a little bit worried, so on that Monday (I started bleeding on a Saturday night), I called the RE and was told I needed to be seen ASAP.  ASAP for me was Wednesday (oops!) so in I went.  Why the bleeding?  Turns out that first round of my period wasn't my period.  It was just after cycle bleeding because I was pumped up with so much crap.  Hmmm...okay, well it was a relief it wasn't anything serious, but come on already.  Had I not been through enough?

Gripping the steering wheel as I left early from work and raced to the appointment, heart racing in fear of being late, of my boss getting mad at me for coming in late post-bloodwork and leaving early, all I could think about was, "I'm so glad we're not cycling ever again!"  The stress of having to go to work late and leave early and not being able to tell your boss why, it's just too much.  Paying my co-pay every other day (sometimes every day) is just too much.  Putting any extra money not on our debt, but to pay for a cycle, it's too much.  The shots and suppositories, it's just too much. And let's not talk about the emotional roller coaster that goes with all of that, because do I even have to say it? It's too much!

The RE sat me down to discuss the results of my blood-work and ultrasound to show me what was going on with all the bleeding.  After he told me the results, all I could think was, "Seriously????"  No, I'm not pregnant, so stop thinking that, but my body had responded quite well to the last cycle and was primed for a "perfect cycle."  My FSH level was 3 points lower and in the "good" range-during this last cycle it was in the "your eggs are crappy and old and you should give up your dream of ever having a kid" range.  My estradiol levels were higher than they were one week into a medicated cycle. And the follicles?  Oh dear, the follicles!  Last cycle on Day 1 baseline testing, I had 2 on one side and 3 on the other...this "baseline testing" which was actually on day 4 of my cycle showed 3 follicles on one side and 12, count them, 12 follicles on the other.  Apparently while not giving us the positive pregnancy results during the last cycle, it did "wake up" my ovaries.  They were up and raring to go! And so the RE looked at me, told me he knew we didn't want to do another cycle, but wanted me to know that things looked better than they ever have (including six years ago when we did our 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs). 

So, I was inseminated today.  We chose to do the cycle.  We don't have the money to do it, but we did it nonetheless.  In the words of a very fertile friend of mine, "After all the info, how could you NOT do the cycle?!"  We started injections that very night and thus began our final cycle...again...

I responded very well to this cycle almost the whole time.  I had 11-12 mature follicles for this IUI which is more than I ever had and most of my levels were great. The RE wanted the estradiol levels to reach 2200-2500, but we topped off at 1749.  That's okay.  He still seemed incredibly positive about it all.  I can tell that he really wants this to work for me...he's that kind of guy. 

In the course of this cycle, I managed to get sick with strep throat and sprain my ankle.  Normally, these things would set me over the edge, but they didn't.  This unexpected cycle is what it is...unexpected.  If it works then great.  If not, then we're in the same place we were before we started.  Still, your prayers are appreciated as we wait until April 11th for the results.

Check back soon for the ultimate in cuteness...we have a bunny nest in our backyard and the cuteness abounds!!!

 

A Change in Posts

I had planned on coming on here tonight to show you my new kitchen backsplash and blah blah blah about poor me...but this puts it all in perspective.  Please watch this video from my beautiful blog friend, Becky, who even during life's greatest struggles, has told me that she is there for me. She's amazing and her son is even moreso.

    

Bubbling Over

During the last few days of that ill-fated last cycle, I kept having huge anxiety attacks.  While not paralyzing, they were crippling.  They always started slowly, with a slight catch in my breath.  As time progressed, I began to feel a weight slowly but surely pushing down on my chest.  That pressure would get so unbearable that even deep breathing wouldn't relieve it.  I would feel as if I was suffocating.  Nothing released me from this grip until it would get so bad, I could literally feel the grief and nerves bubble over.  Into the form of tears.

I'm a cry-er.  I cry at movies, I cry when friends cry, and I cry at my own grief.  I cry when I get super mad or super silly.  I don't think this weakens me; if anything, it makes me more authentic.  And during this last cycle, not many friends in real life knew what was going on...well, a few did, but most of our family did not. And those who did know, well, are probably sick of it.  We've done this so often before with no luck, at some point, my friends are going to stop caring about our infertility.   So I spent much of the time ignoring what we were doing until it was time to race to an appointment  or get stuck with another needle.  Holding it all in is not a good thing for me, but I discovered how therapeautic crying can be.  As soon as I let free the floodwaters, immediately, the weight was lifted from my chest.  I realize this is not a news flash.  For me, as a mom, though, I hold things in to protect my son from our infertility.  No need to traumatize him with a grief he can't understand about a potential sibling he has never asked for. 

I'm glad that the bubbling over has stopped, for the most part. I'm doing okay with everything.  Life goes on, right?  I have three jobs to work, a child to care for, a house to clean, food to cook, laundry to do, etc.  Life is busy and moves forward even when we want to just stop and indulge in the grief.