Probably the hardest part of this past and, most likely, final cycle is the fact that one of my most favorite people in the world was blessed with an unexpected pregnancy. While usually I can step away from the pregnant world because most of my friend's are done with their family-building, I cannot this time. I will be immersed in the land of pregnancy for the next eight months. This is a true test of friendship.
Those who have experienced infertility know that you can have dual emotions of a contradictory nature-you are at the same time overjoyed for your friend and crushed for yourself. This time was not different except this friend is one of my bestest friends in the world. And so, for the past few weeks since she called to tell me her news, we both have been dancing around those elephants in the room. And it has sucked. I think we both were unsure of how to react to one another. I will not try to stifle such deserved joy, but with each comment on the pregnancy, I felt as if I was socked in the gut one more time. Certainly, if Wednesday's news had been positive (and subsequently I would have been able to deliver a full-term baby), we would have had a blast trading pregnancy symptoms and newborn woes. But we all know that didn't happen.
Because I am angry and frustrated and bitter, I have avoided contact. I didn't want to lash out on her and I also didn't want anyone to pity me because I was lashing out. She also has avoided me because really, what can she say? She was so upset for us that her pregnancy came so easily. She was devastated for us that the cycle didn't work. She knows how difficult this is for us. But life is good for her right now (excluding all the awful and annoying first trimester issues) and she shouldn't hide that. So we continued dancing.
Until yesterday. Yesterday with just one email, those elephants disappeared from the room. She reached out and that was all I needed. Do I still feel crappy by my circumstances? Heck, yeah! But am I as filled with anger and bitterness? Not really. It took a lot for her to send that email, to let me know she just wasn't sure what I wanted or needed, but that she was there. I was painfully honest with her and terrified this would end our friendship. But it didn't. And perhaps as we move through her pregnancy together, we will come out on the other end even stronger.
I still question God's timing in this situation, but I know one thing...now that those darn elephants have moved on, we can get back to being ourselves. Phew!