RenovationGirl

Outlook

As I type this, I'm sitting amidst in our school library, listening to the rustle of pages, the hushed whispers of worried students, the hum of the ancient heater.  Outside the window is a white-covered world.  A gloomy Pittsburgh day, misting more than snowing.  Ice glistens dangerously and surprisingly on the salt stained streets.  All foretold, my outlook should be gloomy and down-trodden and defeated.

If you've never lived in this part of the country, perhaps you can't understand how deeply your mood can be affected by the climate.  Around this time of your, people in this area start to feel a bit depressed.  You feel as if spring will never get here.  That we will remain cloaked in this grayness forever. 

I feel very aware of this.  I'm reminding myself daily that soon I will see my tulips pushing through the tired snow, shockingly green and vibrant amidst the white.  My neighbor's tree will start to show it's leaves, always an early bloomer, providing hope. 

Outlook really is half the battle.  As a "glass half-empty" kind of girl, I am working hard to change my outlook.  Just today, as fear and worry gripped me over something beyond my control, I stopped.  Literally stopped and told myself that yes, this is beyond my control.  If I cannot control it, I must try to not be gripped by that fear and worry.  While this isn't always a feasible solution, it's working on the issues I have right now and I can slowly feel the tension in my shoulders soften, the worry lines smooth out, the tightness in my chest release. 

Deep breathe in....slow breathe out....cleansing...energizing...

How's your outlook today?  What kind of things do you do to move past the fear and worry?

What's On Your Plate?

For a long time, I've been wanting to blog about meal planning and cooking and all things kitchen (except cleaning my kitchen, because I fail miserably at that consistently!).  Finally, after a successful and peaceful start to the year, at a time when I find myself feeling more centered than I have in a long while, I can finally start blogging about it. 

Meal planning was essential in my house growing up.  While I didn't realize that my mom was doing this, or if I did, couldn't really assign a name to it or the importance of it, every week, without fail, she knew what would be on that table every night for dinner.  At first, it was out of financial necessity...she stayed at home with us until I was in the third grade, so living on one meager salary meant a lot of scrimping and planning.  When she did go back to work, meal planning became a necessity to just have a meal on the table anytime before bedtime.  Mom hates to cook.  She hates to eat, too.  (I know, people, can you believe it??)  When you eat not for pleasure, but for survival, spending time in the kitchen is not about creating food, but getting sustenance on the table.  Meal planning also cut down on the time Mom had to spend in the kitchen.  (Not by much, I'm sure!)

As we got older and more responsible, Mom would leave us  notes of how we were to start dinner.  (Short side note here...Mom spent her career as a legal secretary, and often in her haste to leave the note, she would write it in shorthand...which we couldn't read...)  Usually it was just to turn on the oven and take out whatever she had started the night before.  Sometimes it was to make a salad or mix things together.  (Someday, I'll have to tell you about my sister's first attempt at chili...)  But it taught us more responsibility and the importance of having a nutritious meal together. 

Mom would spend many Sundays in the kitchen preparing meals for the entire week. I'm guessing Saturday she grocery shopped, but for the life of me, I have no recollection of this.  (I'm sure as a teen, I could have cared less!)  Watching my mother and understanding on some deeper level the commitment and love this took to do this for us weekly and daily instilled in me to plan my meals and it is something I relish.  Whereas mom did it out of necessity, I do it because I love cooking and planning meals and I simply love cookbooks.  (One can never, ever have too many cookbooks!) Well, I do it for necessity, too, but I like doing it, so it never feels like a burden to me.

So what I'd like to do is share with you what we've been eating each week.  Some nights, I work, so those nights are leftovers or I leave Remodel Man to figure it out (that means fast food...sigh...).  One night a week, we do pizza-it's easy, it's the one meal that Builder Boy will definitely eat, and with carryout specials of just $6.99, it's pretty inexpensive and we still feel like we're "eating out."  If I can link to the recipe, or similar ones, I'll be sure to do so.  Or if it's especially good, I'll type it out for you.  Hopefully, it will help you on your meal planning journey or provide you with some new recipes or just give you some ideas for your own kitchen.  So, here's what last week looked like for us:

Monday - Leftovers from the weekend (I worked)

Tuesday - Chicken Broccoli Casserole

Wednesday - Slow Cooker Beef & Tortellini Marinara w/Green Beans (found in this month's Simple & Delicious  magazine)

Thursday - Ground Meat Gravy (my mother-in-law's creation)

Friday - Pizza

Saturday - Steelers Party Food!!!  YAY STEELERS!

So, not a stellar week, but notice that we didn't eat at a restaurant at all.  This saved us a ton of money, a ton of high fat foods, and allowed us to stay home and enjoy one another's company.  Win, win, win!  And, of course, the biggest win of the week:

 

 The Terrible Kitty in his Terrible Towel
Go Steelers!  AFC Championship game here we come!!

 

Prayers for a Lonely Child

Yesterday, a good friend of mine shared a beautiful poem written by her daughter for a college class.  I was so touched that she wanted to share it with me-this friend is a very private person, one whom I often have to browbeat in order to get her to open up about things that are bothering her.  (Love you, K!) In the poem, her daughter was so honest and raw and authentic.  We giggled over the lines that aired out some family issues in a perfectly poetic, and thankfully cryptic, way, and teared up over her the very clear expressions of unconditional love and gratitude for her family.  One in particular line brought us both to our knees...she wrote something along the lines of a house "filled with the prayers of a lonely child."  You see my friend started her family a bit earlier than she intended, and as she struggled through those early days of motherhood, another child was not on her radar at all.  She was just hoping to survive the first one!  Five or so years later, she and her husband did add to their family, welcoming another daughter.  The poem revealed how desperately her oldest wanted a sibling to ease her loneliness.  It was beautiful sentiment of a 20 year old written with the raw honesty of a five year old. 

My friend has now agonized over the fact that she shared this poem with me.  You see, in her own desire to share this most beautiful poem with me, she feels she failed to recognize my own struggles with having an only child.  When I commented that that line really got me, too, it hit her that these could possibly be the same prayers Builder Boy prays.  I have tried to console my friend, that my issues are my issues and that I feel privileged that she wanted to share something so personal with me.  Granted, if someone else had showed me this poem, I might have been upset and felt their insensitivity.  But never in a million years would I find it insensitive that a friend wanted allow me into her family's history. 

Remodel Man and I do feel blessed that Builder Boy has never really asked about wanting a sibling.  If anything, he has made it very clear that he does not want a brother or sister.  This does help ease our guilt over our infertility.  Just today, in one of those intuitive moments that children have, Builder Boy, while watching an episode of Arthur where Arthur's little sister, D.W., yet again drives him crazy, Builder Boy commented, "That, Mama, is why I'm glad for your internal organs."  I looked at him quizzically and asked what he meant. "You know, because your insides only had one baby."

Where he comes up with this stuff, I'll never know, but I'm glad that he's grateful for my flawed organs.  ;)

All It Takes Is A Little Puke To Put You In Your Place

Last night, it was just Builder Boy and me.  I was kind of excited for a night with just the two of us AND for some alone time after he went to bed.  Remodel Man had a social work function, so I would have the house to myself after bedtime.  No home improvement shows to watch, no car shows (although on both counts I do tend to get pulled into them...argh!)-I would have complete freedom with the remote.  OR, better yet, I could sit in the living room and NOT watch television...heaven!

Builder Boy and I had a relaxed night.  Just one errand, a casual and quick dinner at home, some Lego building and Batcave playing and then time for bed.  It went as smoothly as it can go for him, even with my continued laryngitis (which by the way makes reading bedtime stories and singing bedtime songs a bit rough...).  He complained a moment about his belly hurting, but he does that a lot, so I brushed it off.

After I came downstairs, I felt great.  I unloaded the dishwasher, finished cleaning up the dinner dishes, prepared the coffee for the next day, made Builder Boy's lunch, filed some papers, checked in with work email and promptly took care of problems, fed the cats, picked up the toys in the living room, and then took a step back and thought, "Look at me!"  I was doing it.  I was doing what I always want to do, but rarely follow through with...I was on day five of a clean kitchen.  Day 5 of coffee made the night.  Day 5 of the living room cleaned free of toys.  Day 5 of lunches made.  Day 5 of getting things done that need to be done daily before placing my butt on the couch to watch "a little tv."  So, with an arrogant swagger, I grabbed that remote, put on a chick flick, and settled into the big comfy cushions of the couch. 

Then I heard it...a squeak of a trembling voice, "Mama...I had a little accident..."

And so began the night of puking...for Builder Boy.  With Remodel Man out, I was left to console puking child, clean up puking child, clean up the linens from the puking child (all the way down to the mattress, people!!), attempt to void room of vomit smell without opening the windows to a 20 degree night, and wash my hands every two seconds to avoid getting this stomach bug. 

Once Remodel Man did get home (thankfully, just about 45 minutes after the debacle began, but it felt like a lifetime), I was able to finish the lion's share of the really bad linens while Remodel Man soothed Builder Boy and attempted not to gag himself, and we got Builder Boy back to bed where he continued to puke until about 1:30 AM.  I "slept" on the hardwood floor next to him (curse hardwood floors!!!) and jumped up with every groan and whimper (which was about every 15 minutes). 

My alarm went off at 4:45 AM as always and I was up and at 'em for work.  And although I am super tired and still battling laryngitis/chest issues myself, I had to chuckle...just when you reach that point where you feel good about yourself, you get a little cocky, and you think, "Look at me," the universe sends you a little reminder to keep yourself in check.

Well played, Universe, well played. 

Bloggy Mindfulness

I have to tell you, this whole mindful thing is pretty cool!  Don't get me wrong, it's so, so hard, but because it's a way of thinking, as I attempt to be mindful, I become even more mindful of being mindful (did you follow that?).   Even during the bad, yucky, and graceless moments, I am still attempting to find those mindful moments. 

Take, for example, today as I teach.  I have laryngitis...this is not a teacher's friend-especially not one who talks as much as I do!  I find that in the involuntary quiet of my voice, the students are really listening.  Partly because they have to strain to really hear me, but also because the classroom dynamics are different without my loud and boisterous teaching voice.  There is a peace about the room that is calming-a great way to start back from a break and a great way to lead into our upcoming midterm exams.  So, yes, my throat hurts, I'm coughing in that horrible, dry, rasping way, but we sit here learning, peaceful, and ready for what comes next.

You'll notice that the look of my blog has changed a bit.  I've been wanting a change for quite some time now, having outgrown my new-kid-on-the-blog template, so I used a stock template and voila! Pink!   I'm going to be playing around a bit, so bear with me as I do. The change comes as a part of some reflection that I've been doing over my blog and blog habits.  Over the past four or so months, I've felt an alarming sense of aloneness.  I am a social creature and this disturbed me.  I have good friends, but they're all so busy with their own lives that our time together is very sporadic. I realized that over the past year or so, I had cut my blog reading down considerably.  I went from a ton of blogs to five or so blogs.  This is partly a time issue, partly because many of my favorite bloggers vanished into the blogosphere, and partly because some blogs changed and I didn't change with them.  There was no coincidence that I was feeling lonely AND had cut down on my blog reading.  There is still a sense of community when you find fellow bloggers with whom you click.  Knowing that when you post something, even something inconsequential, you will receive an acknowledgement of your words, your voice, your thoughts helps a girl to feel, well, not alone. 

So, I'm reaching out.  I'm searching for blogs where I feel comfortable or challenged or entertained.  I'm searching your blogrolls for these places.  I'm searching Blo.gHer and Goog.le.  I want to get back that sense of community here on this little blog that I've been missing.  So, if you lurk, I'd love to know ya.  Leave a comment.  If you read and comment often, leave me a link for your couple must-read blogs.   If you're stopping by for the first time, Hi!  Leave a blog footprint and tell me about yourself.  I promise to be a good blogger and check our your blog.  I may even stay awhile. 

Community. Peaceful. Calming. I'm liking these words I'm thinking and experiencing.

Mindful

I don't make New Year's resolutions.  I mean, I have, but I tend not to anymore.  I just don't understand why turning another midnight, turning the calendar page from December to January, should create a predetermined time for reflection and resolution.  I have tried this past year to reflect a bit more as things happen and make resolutions as they come up.  This has been a lot healthier for me and a lot more fulfilling.  Sometimes I actually keep a resolutiongoing.  How 'bout that?! 

Over the holidays, as I was cleaning up for a small party we had (OMG, there were 14 children six and under in my house...I will never do that again!!!), I decided to take it slow.  My house is always a disaster...not in that I'm-anal-retentive-and-one-thing-out-of-place-is-a-disaster way, but in the my-mother-twitches-when-she-comes-here way.  It's bad.  Really, really bad. But I realized that it didn't get that way instantly so it wasn't going to get cleaned up instantly, either.  So as I picked something up, instead of throwing it in a drawer, closet, cabinet, or storage container to deal with later, I really thought about it....Where does this go? Do we use it?  Can it be given to Goodwill? and then I dealt with it accordingly.  I was telling my sister this and she commented on how mindful this was. 

Mindful.  Yes, I was being mindful. And what a lovely thing.  I find that the more mindful I am, the less stressed I am and the more I enjoy life.  So, I'm setting a goal to try to be more mindful now.  I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of posts coming up on this...

Next Year Will Be Different

This post was supposed to be posted last week...oops! 

Merry Christmas to all of you! I hope you enjoyed the holiday and were able to spend it with family and friends.  I'm always so amazed by how quickly it goes by...much faster as an adult than it ever did as a child.  Perhaps because now I'm the one preparing everything!  We had a lovely time together!  All (minus one) sibling of Remodel Man's was in town for the Christmas Eve celebration and it is good to be together.  It's  always a party when all the sibling are home!  We surprised his parents with a new flat screen, HDTV.  I thought they were going to have heart attacks-perhaps at their age we should have prepared them???  Christmas Day we spent with my family.  My mother always makes an excellent dinner!  My parents spoiled all of us ridiculously and I won't lie that it felt very nice!  I bought a lot of the gifts for my mom to give all of us, but she surprised me with some other items that were awesome!  I love that!  My boys also spoiled me.  My fav gift?  My new Lisa Leonard necklace!  Heidi has had me obsessing over one for a long time now, so I'm so glad to finally feed my obsession!!  I'll update with pictures later.

But as the holidays fades into the past, it is the time of year that we all begin thinking about the future.  Blog posts will saturate blogosphere with resolutions and reflections.  My reflecting started a while back.  As I saw the Christmas stress spiralling out of control ending up in a breakdown theTuesday before Christmas where I could not (and I literally could not) get off of the couch, I knew that things had to change.  So I vow, next year will be different, for Christmas at least, and it's going to start now.  I've had most of my shopping done since August (yep, I'm that person!).  I shop August toy clearances so that I can get the kids I buy for more expensive toys without breaking the bank. Yet, there I was wrapping the presents as we were leaving for the presents' destination.  There I was racing to the post office to spend a fortune on priority mail so that all presents reached their new homes before Santa came down the chimney.  There I was, Christmas eve night, realizing I didn't have enough presents for my sister.  Argh!  So next year, I vow to be better organized with presents: 

1. I will keep a running log of what I buy, how much it was, etc. I have done this in the past and it worked beautifully.
2. I will wrap starting in October.  I have the wrapping paper, I might as well get the darn things wrapped up. 
3. I will buy less...while this is a topic for a future post, I will be crossing people off of my Christmas list for next year...not out of spite, but out of practicality. 

While I really did put less pressure on myself this year to have a Martha Stewart-type holiday, still I felt the typical holiday pressure...so here are a few more vows I am taking for next holiday:

1. I will bring up the decoration boxes before Thanksgiving.  Since I usually work 30+ hours the weekend after Thanksgiving (at one of the part-time jobs), it's not feasible to start decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving.  So, boxes up before Turkey day, then I can slowly, night by night, put up decorations instead of frantically trying to do it in one day. 
2. I will bake and freeze early.  So many cookies are easily frozen at some stage of baking or another so why am I not doing that??  Some of those early fall days when the air is crisp is a perfect time to whip up a batch of Christmas cookies.
3. I will either hand-make my Christmas cards again -or- start gathering pictures earlier.  Ordering cards from a mail-service place two weeks before Christmas is a little stressful.
4. I will not lose my address book in November...mind you, first I need to find the address book again, but when I do, I will not lose it.  I had to wait until people emailed me back their addresses in order to send cards...
5. I will start playing Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.  Yes, I know we rush each holiday season, but Thanksgiving is a man-made holiday-Christmas is God-made.  I'm thinking it's okay if I revel in carols even before we celebrate those pilgrims!  (And is there ever a time to be more thankful than Jesus' birthday?)
6. I will incorporate more service into the holiday season, specifically with Builder Boy. 
7. I will buy an Advent wreath and use it.  (Seriously can't believe I don't own one!)

I'm sure there are plenty of other additions to my list.  I'm sure I will still find myself frenzied next holiday even after doing all of the above, but I think these will definitely help with the stress.

Oh, and #8 on my list of things to do next year is actually something NOT to do...I would really like to NOT have PMS next year the week before Christmas OR get my period a week early, on the day after Christmas. 

New Year's post to follow shortly.  I'm a little behind on things.  What a way to start the year! ;)