RenovationGirl

Abundance

I sat amidst the boxes of Christmas decorations filled with holiday memories, of those who have gone, and those who are still with us.  I looked around at the counters cluttered with dirty dishes and mail and toys and card-making supplies and I felt that same overwhelming stress that often comes with the holidays. I looked at the bill pile and fought the wave of panic at the state of our finances.  And for the first time in a very long time, it passed...the wave of panic, the overwhelming stress. And I realized...I am surrounded by abundance. 

Yes, I have been marred by my loss and despair.  I have many prayers that remain unanswered.  My belly aches when I look at newborn babies and my heart hurts when I see the silly antics of a toddler.  But I am surrounded by abundance. 

My abundance may not be in the form of dollar bills, but I am surrounded my material things.  I stopped myself on Saturday from saying, "We're so poor," because in reality, we're so not poor.  We live in an amazing old home that we are lovingly restoring.  Each room is filled (literally) with stuff.  Too much stuff.  Stuff that could be sold if the situation was dire.  We have a basement and third floor filled as well.  We have jobs, four, actually, that we work hard at each and every day to provide for our family.  I sat for a few hours yesterday and wrapped lots of presents for Christmas and grocery shopped for our holiday meals.    We are loved.  We are full.  Abundance surrounds us.

It is so incredibly easy for me (and I suppose many others) to slip into the "woe is me" frame of mind.  And there are many people this holiday season that are justified in going "there."  But not me.  I have a good life and have been given so much that others have not.  My son is healthy (minus the croup and chest cold) and flourishes at school.  My sister made a surprise visit with donuts yesterday.  My mom came down and distracted Builder Boy while I sorted and wrapped his gifts.  Dad "gave me a little extra" on top of the money he owed me for some shopping I did for him "for my efforts."  My work friends lift me up spiritually on a daily basis.  Remodel Man stood outside for hours in the 20 degree weather yesterday making the outside of our home amazingly beautiful because Builder Boy is "only little once."  (We'll ignore the fact that I currently have a lighted buck and doe in my living room right now because it just got too cold after the sun went done to continue...)  It is overwhelming...but in a good way.

Perhaps my New Year's resolution should be to view the glass as half-full instead of half-empty because bottom-line is this...I am surrounded by abundance and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

Merry Christmas to all of you!

How Do You Live Without Them?

After living in an old home for the past seven years, we often forgot "how the other half lives."  This usually comes as we peek out from under the covers on this blustery winter nights and see the curtains swaying as the wind whips through the many crevices around our original, 130 year old windows.  We bemoan about how expensive it is to make repairs on our house, how drafty it can be, what a bear it can be to clean original pine floors that desperately need to be refinished.  But during these cold winter months, we also marvel at how you new construction/modern home people (and in this category we include anyone living in a house dating 1950's and later) live without one very important feature:

Radiators.  Seriously, how do you live without them?  We are so happy that in all the owners of this house and during the time it was apartments, the radiators were left alone.  Although only two of the radiators in the house are original to our home (the house stood empty before the owners before us bought it and during that time, the radiators froze up and burst), all the radiators date to the same 1880's time frame.  They are ornate and lovely and oh so functional.  You'd be amazed at their versatility!

We use them for so many things...

 
to keep our pizza warm...

 
to soften up the butter when I'm baking...

 
to quickly dry off the snow gear for another snowman making sessions...

 
and, of course, so that the cats have yet another place to take a warm nap! (She usually squeezes herself under the radiator!!!)

They also serve as awesome towel warmers in the bathroom and the tall ones are great to lean over when you have cramps or to lean against when you have a back ache. 

The biggest downfall, is, of course, that we can't have air conditioning just yet (way too expensive for the method we'd need), but in the meantime, we'll enjoy our cozy, warm radiators (and ignore the drafty windows...). 

 

Elbow Deep in Vomit

On Friday night, I turned to Remodel Man and commented, "It hasn't even started and I feel like the weekend is over!"  With a birthday celebration, a holiday family party, and a baptism, we had no weekend left.  For someone who works as much as I do, two days together free of commitment makes the chance of me being committed a lot less likely.  This weekend, however, was not a free one.

We got through our busy Saturday and were looking forward to welcoming a new baby into our faith community...a very special baby (and adorable to boot!) and Remodel Man's newest goddaughter.  As I stood in the laundry room grabbing some clothes Sunday morning, a sleepy Builder Boy exited his room and I gasped, "Builder Boy, what's all over your shirt?!"  I thought it was the chocolate ice cream he had right before we headed home from our party that he had wiped on his shirtsleeve (yep, I let him sleep in his shirt!).  "Can we go in there and I'll tell you," he said shakily pointing to my bedroom.  Uh-oh...

Turns out, Builder Boy had  thrown up multiple times during the night and was "too sick" to call for us or come get us. Oh my!!!  My first instinct was, "How sweet!  What a brave boy to be so sick and not need us or get us!"  My second instinct as I walked into his room was, "GAG, dear Lord, I wish he would've come get us!" 

Needless to say, I spent the day taking care of a very sick little boy and doing loads and loads and loads of laundry.  Remodel Man headed to the baptism and enjoyed a nice day of celebration.  Me?  I still smell puke even though there can't be any smell left.  My hands are raw from scrubbing puke out of the linens and washing my hands in the futile hopes that I will not get whatever Builder Boy has.  I am exhausted.

And yet, I felt like a woman with a purpose today.  My child is sick-I must take care of him.  In his sick sweetness, he would murmur, "I love you, Mama."  It warmed my heart as I was walking miles and miles between the kitchen and living room with crackers and popsicles and ginger ale.  For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was the favorite parent.  I'm the mom, that's the way it should be,right?  But it's not.  Builder Boy loves his Dada.  They are buddies. But today, it felt different. It felt like old times when Builder Boy was all about his Mama.

Just as soon, though, as it started, Dada walked in.  Things went right back to normal.  Mama the servant, housekeeper, bill payer, provider, chef.  Dada the fun one, the one you snuggle with, the buddy.  In an instant, even though things had been cleaned up for hours, I felt elbow deep in vomit again.

The Wall

 

 I hit the wall just now.  Literally am sitting at my desk paralyzed by...life?  Lack of sleep?  Grief?  Everything?  Nonetheless, I had to stop teaching because I couldn't continue. 

For the past week I have maintained a productive schedule...hopping from the day job to the night job, teaching a stamping class, taking Builder Boy for a flu shot (and subsequent ice cream run), and working to clean up the ever dirty and disorganized house so I can decorate for the holidays.  I realized as I headed to bed at 12:30 last night (this morning?) that I had only gotten four hours of sleep every night this week.  Ugh.

I think I knew I was headed into the wall last week as I reflected on Thanksgiving.  I read all the blog posts on gratitude and thankfulness and realized, "I don't know what I'm thankful for."  Or worse, "I don't think I'm thankful for anything."  In reality, I AM thankful, but right now, I'm not feeling very thankful.  I tried to force myself to write about what I was thankful for to jar myself into feeling the gratitude, but I couldn't formulate the words. 

I read so many eloquent blogs...blogs that seems as if their writers spend a vast amount of time on each post, crafting the perfect sentence construction to create a well-flowing river of words.  I see blog friends working through issues using the power of the writing process.  Yet the words aren't coming for me...and if they do, they're certainly  not eloquent, thought-provoking, or complex.

So today, as I hit the wall, I wondered how I can scale this wall and make it to the other side.  I'm too tired to be complex, so simple is the way. 

 

And There It Is...Ouch #3

A day early...the period came.  Which follows an unposted Ouch 2.5-Facebook announcement of a friend's pregnancy with her third child. 

It's all good.  Life continues.  I deal.  But today, I'm just feeling a bit beaten down.  Two months post surgery, ovulating while at DisneyWorld, and the holidays and subsequent due date that wasn't meant to be I thought would all work together for a magical pregnancy.  But no...

I'm meeting with the RE next week to talk about doing a few injectable cycles, but I'm not sure I have the strength to go through with it.  Hopelessness feels easier than shattered hope.