Random Thoughts After Loss

I'm home alone right now.  Not a good thing after pregnancy loss #3.  I'm still not feeling well.  I am extremely tired, very nauseated, a bit crampy, and naturally very sad.  This recovery has been much more difficult than the last time.  Perhaps it's the tearing that occurred during surgery or perhaps this body of "advanced maternal age" is just feeling it all more deeply.  Nonetheless, it's been rough. 

Laying around gives you time to think...this is also not a good thing.  But it does call to mind some random thoughts that I've been having. 

1.  I feel blessed.  I watch Builder Boy and know that no matter how bad things get, he is here.  He is our miracle.  He is our "meant to be."  He is an amazing, creative, funny, clever, challenging, loving, crabby, silly, dancing boy.  He is.

2. I will be 38 this fall.  Yes, this is five months away, but it feels like it's now.  I am not one who usually is bothered by her age, but as I close in on the end of my fertile years (yea, go ahead and laugh...fertile?! HA!), I am feeling a bit leary of each new birthday.

3. I am terrified that this pregnancy was a molar.  Complete, partial-it doesn't matter.  The long wait, the weekly blood draws, the constant reminder of what isn't happening-I just can't do it again.  And if it is that, I think that will be the end of our "trying."  And I have very mixed feelings on this.

4.  It makes me crazy when I acknowledge that my file is now marked, "recurrent pregnancy losses."  This happens to other people.  Not me.  Yet, here I am.  And it is me.

5.  I have a pregnant colleague and when I was walking down the hall on my way to my last ultrasound, I thought to myself, "I cannot stand her pregnant face."  This is not a nice thing and it is not me.  She is delightful and glowing and I am happy for her.  But I will live the next 6 months that my belly should be growing watching hers grow.  I will listen to all her happiness while still grieving my own losses.  I am not looking forward to this. 

6.  People keep asking me what they can do for me.  I don't know what to say.  I am not talkative about this.  I don't know what to say.  It sucks.  I'm sad.  I wish I could give someone something to do for me, but I just don't know what that is.

7.  Builder Boy finishes preschool this week.  I was already incredibly sad about yet another milestone, but now it will be much worse.  He is very excited about his new school and for this I am glad.  But it is sad to leave a place you've grown accustomed to.  And I am sad.

Lots of sad...

Comments

[Corley]

New friend,
I've been more nosey then productive today. That being said... I thought your house looked amazing at Christmas. I want your house. Trade? Dare I say it even looked empty. I assumed you hadn't gotten around to buying anything. Ha!

Also...my reno man and I have season passes to the Carnegie science museum and although we went once, we need your little one as an excuse to go again and not look strange. No preschool is an excent excuse for a summer field trip.

Now, further into my nosiness,I hope I am not bugging you. I feel like you are getting all my "friend energy" right now which might be too much now or all together. Don't be afraid to let me know if it is. So, my thoughts and prayers are with you. See you soon.

[Stacey]

I'm so sorry about this sadness and I'm still grieving this loss with you. Sure wish I could keep you company when you are alone. I know those quiet times are so tough. I remember feeling pretty devastated about having an RPL file, too. Never dreamed that would happen to me or that I could make it through so much. We are always stronger than we think we are.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending big, big hugs across the miles.