I hate being jealous. I simply hate it. Yet, today and this entire weekend, I find myself feeling jealous. It's such a negative feeling and not a very Christian "place" to be, and yet, there it is.
It started Friday with a frantic phone call from a best friend on the way to the beach for the weekend. It continued with a Fac.ebook posting from another friend on her way to her parent's summer cottage. Then it was the distant friend announcing her pregnancy...after having two older kids and having said, "We're done! I don't want anymore!" Then it was the mountains of papers I have to grade, and student phone calls to make, and hours to work at my retail job while the sun was shining and an excited son waited to go to the pool.
I'm tired of being the screw-up. I've been working at least two jobs since I was 15. I work so hard and yet I constantly find myself stressed about our horrible debt. My house is a continual mess and I can't rely on a housekeeper to help out. I'm trying to figure out how to add a fourth job to my already heaping plate in order to possibly dig out of this debt hole even slightly. I don't spend money on clothes or frivolities. When I do make purchases, they're on clearance and they're not fashion labels. From the last pregnancy and subsequent blood tests and surgery, I am knee deep in medical bills.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed and all, but I still feel so jealous. Of the friends in my life who don't have financial worries, or have had an easy time having a family, or who can afford housekeepers, or who have been able to stay home with their kids. I know their lives aren't perfect. I know they feel pain and suffer loss and have stress. It just seems through my eyes that my stress is a lot more than theirs. Sounds childish, doesn't it?
The hardest part is this-I don't see an end to my stress. I have gone over and over our finances and don't see a way out unless we win the lottery or one of us gets an amazing job offer. I never wanted to live this way. I never thought I would have to. I work hard and at a lot of jobs. I don't go on shopping sprees. I use coupons. I buy generic. I watch how we spend the money we have to.
And it all brings me back to this-THANK YOU, INFERTILITY! Not only have you robbed me of the family I have always wanted, but you have also taken away a joyful life while I work on paying off the failed attempts at getting said family.
So, I'm guessing this is the anger part of the grieving process...