I had a crappy weekend. It wasn't any big thing that happened, just lots of little things which caused me to revert back to the "woe is me" and "life is unfair" pity party that ended in me sobbing hysterically.
And then there was today. Builder Boy went fishing with my parents and he was gone for four and a half hours. It was heavenly. I didn't take a nap. I didn't read a book. I didn't even take a shower. I cleaned and organized and cleaned some more. Did I mention that it was heavenly?
There is so much truth to the idea that you feel more in control if the space around you is neat, tidy, and organized. While I still have a long way to go, having such a large chunk of time today to make a large dent allows me to feel like I am at least slightly closer to my goal of not living like pigs.
It has also opened my eyes a bit to the wonderful things in my life. Since hearing about my roommate, I have felt even more incompetent than usual, bringing up all my old post-teen insecurities. But today, I think I finally accepted that I am who I am. I will never live in an immaculate home. I will never be as patient or creative a mom as I would like to be. I will never be rich. Oh well. I have this beautiful and spirited little boy who loves me in his way. I am saving a piece of history and architecture by living in this "old" home, no matter that it bleeds me dry. While we don't have any money to spare, we mostly make our bills every month. And even though I hate the one place at which I work, I love the kids who I teach there.
So there it is. Today is a better day and I am able to remind myself of the blessings in my life. There are days when this is very hard for me, but for today, I can see clearly.
If you haven't already done so, head on over to Black Belt Mama and congratulate her on her promotion to black belts (not one, but two of them!!) and check out her new design-it looks awesome and so does her black belt! Also, Heidi finished her first IVF last week and got a negative. My heart is breaking for her! If you have a second, head on over and leave an encouraging comment.
You are so right! Things feel so much better when things are organized and neat! Right now, our house is a trial in trying to get by, but we are surviving! Congrats on the time to yourself!
Posted by: Michele | June 29, 2009 at 05:06 PM
I'm glad you got some time to yourself and were able to accomplish your projects. Yay you!! That's always a great feeling!!
Posted by: Marguerite | June 29, 2009 at 07:15 PM
OMG - I woke up Sunday and begged my husband to help me clean my house. As in declutter. And we hauled away at least 60 books, boxes of random junk, and clothes. The urge struck me completely out of the blue, but I bet you're right - it makes me feel more in control of life when I am taking control of my surroundings.
Those are great realizations. Realizations of maturity and peace. I hope they hold you through tomorrow, too!
Thanks for the encouragement, too. :)
Posted by: Heidi | June 29, 2009 at 11:16 PM