RenovationGirl

Negative!

In the world of the infertile, the word "negative" is not a word we like to hear...but today, that word was a magic word to hear.  Okay, technically, the nurse said, "borderline negative," but hey!  I'll take it!  Here it is, my sixth week blood draw post D&C for my molar pregnancy:

HCG- 5

Under 5 is considered negative, hence the borderline diagnosis.

I'm down to two cysts which are shrinking very slowly, but shrinking nonetheless!  The dr also noticed two follicles on my other ovary, indicating that ovulation will be occurring sometime soon, so it looks like things are going back to somewhat normal.   So four more weeks of weekly blood draws if all stays negative, then monthly after that for 6 months, maybe a year.

PHEW!!!!

Since school is winding down now, things are very busy.  I have many, many papers to grade and very little time to do it.  I have also taken another job, (yes, that makes four now) so that is also taking up my time...hence my silence.  I'll be writing more soon.

Thank goodness summer is almost here!

Mother Moments

In an email exchange with BBM this morning, she used this phrase to describe today-mother moments.  That's exactly what today is, a mother moment.  It's Builder Boy's last day of preschool.  And while he will be going to another year of preschool at his new school, today is still an end.  And these milestones, while exciting, are bittersweet. 

I've been a bit of a wreck today about it.  I guess I am over-sentimental.  But there are so many aspects of leaving preschool that leave me feeling sad, for me and for Builder Boy.  There will be no more walking to school, or playing on the school grounds after school, or sneaking in during his class when I have forgotten his lunch/show and tell/etc.  There will be no more mother conversations when we drop off the kids, leaving us even less time while they are at school.  These relationships were temporary, a two year run.  Most kids are going to all different schools next year, and so will the moms.  While a few will last beyond, most will just be quick hellos when we bump into one another at the grocery store.  And while I know I will meet the new mothers next year, this group of preschool moms have a common bond...the bond of leaving your child for the first time and walking away, unsure and terrified.  That first day last year, we all walked away a bit shell-shocked...me sobbing right there, most others waiting until they got to their cars.  When we came back together two hours later, we were all tired, missing our kids, faces streaked with mascara.  But we did it. And we laughed together at the absurdity of it, though none of us thought our feelings were absurd. 

The kids, too, will move on.  To new teachers, new schools, new friends.  Very few will keep in touch (it is preschool, after all), but some will.  I believe that Builder Boy and his best friend will continue being friends, at least for awhile.  This will help their transition to their new schools.  Still, it gives me pause and makes me think of all the people we encounter in life that we "move on" from.  All the people who have touched our lives in some capacity, changed us, made us better (or worse), who we lose touch with as our lives change and grow. 

This is a mother moment..I am proud of how far Builder Boy has come this past two years and grateful to his teachers for helping him in this growth.  He shares better.  He plays better. He communicates better.  He has learned to write some, recognize letters and numbers.  He's made ridiculous amounts of crafts (kicking and screaming, but hey, they got done!) and learned a ton of songs.  He prays better.  He understands more of how we all fit into this large world. 

It is tough to watch him grow up in what seems like warp speed.  I know that in the blink of an eye, he will be graduating from college and moving on with his life.  Both Remodel Man and I try to remember this even in those pull-your-hair-out-moments.  This is all going so fast. 

So here's to Builder Boy's last day of preschool.  Here's to two years of growth for both of us and here's to all the wonderful school memories in his future.  And here's to yet another mother moment...

A Teacher's Worst Nightmare

I remember standing in the student union building at the university where I was working on my Masters in Education.  By this time, I had a semester of student teaching and a two month substitute position under my belt. I felt ready to go into my own classroom and begin my new career.  I was walking by a television where there was "breaking news."  There had been a school shooting and the scenes they were showing chilled me and literally knocked the breath out of me.  It was like a teacher slap in the face.  I was ready to teach these children, to extol the virtues of Shakespeare, to argue the value of Salinger, and attempt to get them to appreciate works that otherwise they would roll their eyes about.  I was ready to teach. 

I didn't know that teaching was so much more than passing along  knowledge.

In my first year of teaching, I soon learned how much more teaching is.  It is about building rapport and gaining trust.  It is about fighting for what is right, even when it feels wrong.  It is parenting a group of 20 kids numerous times a day.  It's about coming in early and staying late to help.  It's about getting paid little money, but receiving great rewards.  It's about trusting your gut and making the call.  It's not about the literature-it's about the kids.  New teachers love their content-veteran teachers love their students. 

Once I realized this, it made the job so much more important and so much scarier.  My greatest fear now wasn't not being prepared to teach or not knowing an answer to a student's question, now it was losing a student.  We have been surrounded in the community around our private school by student loss, but it had not directly affected us.  It was as if we were untouchable.  Until now.

Two nights ago, I got the call.  The one I have dreaded my entire career.  One that I never want to receive again.  One of graduates had died.  No cause.  Just 19 years old.  A freshman in college.  A life ahead.  This student had not had it easy.  Life had not been fair.  She had endured far more than any teen should, and she was resilient, doing what had to be done to support her family and herself.  But she pushed forward, hopefully with our help, but certainly with the faith we shared. 

As I remember this student, the image I have in my mind of her is from prom...she wore a vintage gown, unusually to the knee instead of the normal floor length prom gown.  It was a beautiful pale teal with caramel beading.  She looked classy, glamorous, mature. 

She was stunning in her own strength.

3rd Blood Draw Post D & C

HCG - 24 (Yay!  Getting closer to negative!)

Elevated estrogen.

Diagnosis after ultrasound:  an ovary three times its normal size due to three cysts of a variety that my doctor has never seen before. They are apparently caused by the molar pregnancy and the abnormally high HCG associated with a molar, but I cannot remember the name of them. 

Another blood draw and ultrasound on Tuesday to see if the cysts are getting smaller. If not, more surgery for me to remove the cysts before they burst. 

Feeling positive about the dropping HCG, but only cautiously okay with the cysts. 

Some Days...

Some days, things just don't seem to go well.  Today was one of those days.  It's not that anything went horribly wrong, but things just didn't go horribly well, either.  Very rarely do I have a day off of work with Builder Boy where we are not running from appointment to class to errand.  Today, we just had one class, a fun time for him and an hour's break for me.  So we were able to start the day by just sitting in our jammies and playing.  (Okay, I sat in my jammies.  Builder Boy insists upon getting dressed immediately upon opening his eyes...while in some ways a good thing, some days, it'd be nice to just get up and go downstairs.)  We took our time.  Ate some yummy muffins I had made a couple of days ago.  He enjoyed a cold glass of milk while I enjoyed a steaming hot mug of coffee.  Very little television was watched and it was feeling good. 

Then things changed.

A game we were playing didn't go well.  I had to get a shower and couldn't entertain him for a few minutes while showering.  He didn't want to eat lunch.  I didn't want to play the same thing for the third hour.  He got mad as we drove to his Sports Skills class for...I have no idea what.  My hours' break while he was at class when I should have been grading papers became a time for me to question why I constantly feel so incompetent.  I called a friend just to hear the voice of someone who has more faith and confidence in me than I have in myself, but I had to leave a message.  I searched around for some bargains at a store, but couldn't find any.  I came back to pick him up from his class feeling unsettled.  He was energized and happy-I was exhausted.

We came home and took a long walk, and this was good.  But back at the house, he was crabby.  He played with the much older neighbor child only to be hit in the head with his own toy at close range with a foam airplane that can shoot (when not aimed at a five year old's head at point blank range) 30 feet. I flipped out.  Angry that the thirteen year old neighbor child could be so irresponsible.  I called my parents to try and settle this internal unrest, but they didn't want to talk.  I tried to clean up the kitchen after dinner, but Builder Boy needed help with something (while Remodel Man walked around outside doing...what???) which ended in another tantrum for both of us. 

So while this wasn't a day where bad things happened, it just seems like things are lining up.  I might be PMSing it, but who  knows when you get your period after your uterus has been vacuumed out? 

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check on the ovaries and see why my estrogen levels are skyrocketing.  While I'm pretty sure these are just cysts, other issues have surfaced causing significant health alarm.  I am overwhelmed by their possibility and feel a great burden right now.  

So there you have it...some days are just like this... 

On Becoming a Mother

Holidays can be tough.  While they are a time of celebration and relaxation, I always ponder about those whose hearts are hurting because of the holiday.  People who are missing their deceased mother, children separated from their mother, and those longing for a child.  Certainly, being infertile has made me extremely sensitive to both Mother's and Father's Day.  As I sat in church today looking at the people around me, I couldn't help wonder if any of these people were longing for a child and that sitting in church hearing the special mother's blessing and the intentions for all mothers brought on that physical ache...the one the feels like a giant hole that is collapsing in slow motion.  If I didn't see a child with a woman, I did not say, "Happy Mother's Day."  I have been there.  I have felt that pain.  I have felt excluded from "the club" and it emphasized all the private insecurities I had. 

All of this reminded me how extraordinarily grateful I am for being allowed the opportunity to be a mother.  And while our son is biologically ours, I am reminded of all the ways that we can be "moms."  In my  mind, a mom doesn't have to be a biological influence...consider all those incredible parents out their who have given little ones, and not so little ones, loving homes through fostering or adoption.  But we can also be moms through other channels.  Because to me, a mom is more than someone who has a child in her home.  A mom is:

• any woman whose heart desires a child
• any woman who guides a friend or loved one through her grace and compassion
• any woman who lovingly opens her home and heart to those in need
• any woman who has miscarried a child
• any woman who has suffered the loss of a child
• any woman who cares for pets like members of the family
• any woman who has longs to be called "Mom"
• any woman who teaches others to be better human beings

We are women, we are sisters, we are moms.  Happy  Mother's Day.

To my blog friends who are dealing with primary infertility, please know that my heart is truly heavy for you on a difficult day such as this.  I pray that you will be blessed with the life you desire. 

Just Keeps Getting Better

2nd Weekly Blood Draw Post D & C:

HCG 55 (woohoo!!)

Estradiol 479 (up from 159-BOOOOO!!!)

We'll do another blood draw next week and add an ultrasound to see what's going on in there.  The Dr. thinks the rise in estrogen might be caused by ovarian cysts...cause ya know, I haven't experienced THAT yet.  Lovely.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

I Hate the Rain

As I sit to write this, drenched to the bone, mascara running down my face, soggy clothes on, the skies are turning blacker than ever and yet another storm is moving in.  I'm done.  I am so tired of the rain.  I know that it brings lovely flowers.  It's helping our transplanted trees flourish.  It's giving our lawn mower a real workout.  But darn it, I'm sad and I want to see the sun.

I'm mad.  I mean really ticked off. I'm sad and furious that this molar pregnancy happened to us.  I feel like a perpetual black cloud is hanging over us.  Works sucks.  Our finances suck.  Our fertility sucks.  Suck, suck, suck!!!!  (can you imagine the hits I'll get from that?!)

Is there a grief stage that is anger, because I'm there.  If just one thing would go well, if I could just feel competent in one area of my life, I could get through.  But right now, it's all falling to pieces and I'm tired of it.

So, Mother Nature, would you mind throwing a girl a bone and having a couple of sunny days in a row?  I know this is Western Pa and I know it's spring, but please? 

An Army Birthday

Let's take a break from the depressing, frustrating, and sad journey of infertility and complete molar pregnancies, shall we?  Instead, let's celebrate. 

Builder Boy turned 5 last week.  We had a great day on his actual birthday.  It was a day devoted all to him.  We played, had lunch with my parents, went to Build a Bear (I love that place!!), shopped for some camouflage shorts for his party, went to Toys R Us to use his birthday coupon, ate McDona.ld's for dinner, got Rita's for a bedtime snack...in a kid's world, it was a perfect day! 

On Sunday, we had his birthday party-it was an Army theme.  We made paper airplanes and had a contest to see whose would fly the farthest.  We made camouflage necklaces and had an army guy scavenger hunt.  The kids beat up an army tank pinata, then pillaged the porch for the pinata candy.  Builder Boy got a ton of nice presents (his friends were so generous!) that we are still opening today. 

I tried my hand at a Hummer cake...let me know what you think:

 

The inside, which was also camouflage:

 

Happy Birthday, Builder Boy!  You are my greatest accomplishment and a true gift from God.  I thank Him everyday for sending you to us.  I hope your 5th birthday was one to remember!

1st Blood Draw Post D&C

Here are the results from the first blood draw post D&C for my complete molar pregnancy:

HCG:  279

Estradiol:  159

HCG looks good, but apparently the estradiol is elevated.  No idea what that means, so we'll focus on the dropping HCG.

Stay tuned for Friday's exciting blood draw results...