Yesterday, I had this revelation. It wasn't miraculous. It wasn't inspired. And it was pretty obvious. Nonetheless, it had alluded me. If you keep up with your laundry, you don't need nearly the volume of underwear, t-shirts and socks. For the past week, I have been making a concerted effort to keep up with the laundry. Usually, we have clean clothes, but they just happen to be sitting in laundry baskets, getting nice and wrinkled. I figure better to have wrinkled, clean clothes, than dirty clothes. So, over the past week while I have been getting caught up and keeping up with the laundry, I found that I cannot fit all of our undergarments in our drawers. Thus, my revelation.
And while I know this is probably enough to make you praise the Lord for sending me this revelation, it led to another revelation that to me if far more important and hopefully a bit life-changing.
Over the weekend, Remodel Man and I worked together to start digging out of this dump we call a house. We spent a few hours on Saturday cleaning our upstairs hallway, the bedrooms, and the laundry room. It felt so good to pile up 5 empty boxes and 6 bags of garbage at the door, waiting to be taken out. It feels great to walk around upstairs and not have to side-step items that have a home, but can't get there themselves. I feel a sense of peace instead of a heart filled with chaos. It made me want to do more. But...I still have those research papers waiting to be graded.
And it hit me...it's not that I am entirely disillusioned with teaching (although I am partly). It's not that I am lazy (although, I am partly). It's that grading those papers doesn't make me happy. I mean, yeah, every teacher hates grading papers like this, but I realized that discovering that if you keep up with laundry you don't need as many undergarments made me far happier and peaceful than does a week filled with brilliant teaching moments. Looking forward to the next block of time where I can organize part of my house makes me downright giddy. And I realized...wait for it...
I like being home. I like being home. I want to provide for my family. To create a peaceful, organized, love-filled home. I want to cook great meals and create fun play environments for my son. I want to spend a little extra time at tubby time instead of rushing through to get to my work. And therein lies the problem with this revelation. I want to be home. I like being home. I want to mostly fill that traditional "mom" role, but I can't. I have to work. I work three jobs. I am always stressed and this keeps me from being the mom and wife I want to be. And so I continue to resist grading those research papers. They need to get them back, but I hate grading them. It makes me miserable. I want to be playing with my son, reading a good book, baking some cookies, organizing a closet.
I'm not sure what I will do about this revelation, but I need to do something. I need to finish out the school year where I am, but I need to evaluate what can be done for the future. I have one more year with Builder Boy at home (well, he'll be in a half-day preschool program, five days a week) and I want it to be memorable. I want for him to say, "Hey, mom, do you remember when we..." Instead of, "remember how you used to get so mad at me for..." I want to, for just one year, enjoy my son fully. Get myself healthier-both emotionally and physically. I need to figure this out for all of us.
And so, you see, underwear can lead to amazing revelations. Who knew?
Oh sweetie, I hear you. And it's even harder when you think that this one might be your only one. That becasue of all working we have missed so much. It's every career-woman's lament. I can't say I feel the urge to be a stay-at-home mom as much as you do but every day when I drive my daughter to day-care I gulp back a big wad of regret and sometimes a tear or two.
Posted by: Peeveme | January 26, 2009 at 01:31 PM
Oh, Ren Girl, I know so where you are. I have been there (and still am if truth be told) but as broke as we are, I spent a full year doing research on living on one income (which was not much either) and got to stay home for one year of my son's toddlerhood. But things started to get behind and I went back to work part time. Then, we had a murder in our front yard so we knew I had to go back to work full time so we could afford to get out of that hell-hole of a neighborhood. But that one year was glorious! Go to the library & use the internet and research-research-research on frugal living, living on one income, etc. If we did it anyone can. I mean it was only a year but even skimping, it was one of the best years of my life!
Posted by: Martial Arts Mom | January 26, 2009 at 01:41 PM
Isn't it wild what underwear can lead to?
I was so startled when I realized I wanted to embrace being a SAHM instead of running from it like I have done for YEARS. When I started really tending my home, I felt a joy like nothing I had experienced with all the activities I pursued while trying to avoid being home. It freaked me out. Hey, I have two tattoos and a nose piercing. I am not supposed to want to be HOME.
While it isn't easy to see what you want and have to try and figure out if it is possible to get there, doesn't it feel really, really great when you get to know something new about yourself? :)
Posted by: Ann Kimmel | January 27, 2009 at 11:12 AM
A basket full of underwear might not have led me to the revelation, but I think your situation is common.
I spent half of November and all of December at home. My wife took three months off after the baby was born and when she had to go back to work, I took the balance of the year off. We wanted to keep her out of day care as long as possible (although the daycare she goes to is FANTASTIC).
I enjoyed it so much. I was able to take the baby everywhere and show her off. I cooked and cleaned and emptied closets and all of that. It was great. I even tiled the family room and got a few other smaller projects done.
Three jobs is TOUGH. But the balance is money vs quality of life. The hard part is to have enough money to afford what you want, but still have the time to do it.
Who knows? If my wife, who is a genius, is ever paid what she's worth, I would stay home in a heartbeat. :D
Posted by: steve | January 27, 2009 at 04:00 PM
I do NOT know how you do it mama. You are a total super mom. Next time I bitch about how stressed I am, I will think of you. I wish I could think of something to get you income so you could stay home! I'm comin up blank :(
Posted by: Teresa | January 29, 2009 at 02:08 AM
May I make a suggestion on those papers? I've been thinking about this. What if you graze over them and grade them. Forget the spelling errors, etc. Look for thesis, documentation and grade based on those few qualities. It might make it more systematic and faster for you.
Regarding staying at home, I think it's time for you to take a break and for RM to get an extra job or two.
Posted by: Black Belt Mama | January 29, 2009 at 11:48 PM