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August 17, 2008

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TeamWinks

I'm just not so sure about the alone part. You could get a counselor that you could talk to about this. For you. It may help to bounce things off of a good neutral party. Although I am a big fan of counseling with the right person.

Parenting is really really tough job, and nobody is perfect at it. All we can strive to do is our best each day. You had a bad day. It happens. Start fresh the next one. Allow yourself some grace.

Topsy-Techie

RG - You can't see it from your side of the blog, but from our side it is plain as day - - an incredibly loving, caring mom who cares desperately about her kiddo and wants the absolute best for him. Oh yes, we all have intense emotions and have had the "F*%#ing brat" snafus, but the little brats never seem worse for the wear, and on the plus side, we are reminded that there is still a lot of that little bratty kid inside of us as well - - makes it a tad easier to identify with the little hellions. Intense emotions, sensitivities, tantrums can be a sign of something to be concerned about (ADHD/ODD/PSD/SID), but it can also - - more likely - - be associated with some pretty cool things like giftedness. Yep, those gifted kids feel things incredibly strongly (my youngest SWEARS he can feel his hair getting cut). As a mom of two kids with special needs, I know what it feels like to feel like something is wrong, and you can't put your finger on it. But don't jump to any conclusions out of frustration...just enjoy every peaceful and fun moment you have together, and let time take its course to open up any other possibilities. High intensity kiddos also aren't always a result of 'bad parenting' either, much to every busybody at the grocery store's dismay. Some, like my youngest, are just drama kings, and although not the easiest to parent, they have such a strong sense of self, that you have to admire them for their incredible presence. One book I highly recommend as far as taking behaviors one at a time is ...Parent Talk by Chick Moorman. Brilliant stuff!

Now for the most important part...taking care of Mama. Two questions....
1)Have you gone to see Mamma Mia yet?
2)Do you have the soundtrack?

If the answer to either of these questions is 'No', then you, my dear, with your beautiful heartfelt post, have won one/both/or either. Email me at topsytechie@gmail.com and I will send you certificates for ticket/soundtrack/ or either. You absolutely cannot go to Mamma Mia OR hear the soundtrack without feeling better about life. You simply can't. And you, my fellow blogging buddy, need to feel better about life...cause things ARE going to get better. So email me! Pronto!
Topsy-Techie (Kerry)

rita

Hey there. Ok so you lost it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and have that discussion with your boy. I've had it a few times and I apologize for losing my temper but I always explain what provokes me. I usually explain to the boy that no one likes a spoiled brat and I'm only trying to give him the right skills for survival (in not so many words) And it does mean that I am the disciplinarian.
My boy is now 8. And the 3-5 years were tough because of the fact that being an only child can mean being spoilt in certain ways. So now we act like there's scarcity. Toys are 2x a year - Christmas and birthday only. 1 treat per week when groceries are done. etc.
Rita

susan

The show "Supernanny" has some great parenting tips on how to consistently set guidelines/rules for our wonderful, but sometimes difficult to handle, children. Also, your husband HAS to be a part of this, or your son will divide the two of you and continue his difficult behavior whether you try to change this untenable situation or not. It is only when you both are consistent that the behavior can be dealt with through consistent limits and rules that your son will recognize and follow!

Steve

Okay. I'm sure that everyone else has given you all of the good mom advice. I'll tell you my dad take on the situation. Your husband is screwing you. Royally.

There IS no good cop/bad cop. There is only good cop/good cop and bad cop/bad cop. If your husband is the good guy to your bad guy, he's copping out and CAUSING most of the problems you're having to try and fix. He's not being a dad. He's being a grandfather. And it's not the same. It's not his turn yet.

There may or may not be some kind of emotional issue that you and your little man will need to face, but that's beside the point. What you can fix now is that your husband needs to be the dad. That means more than being the good guy. That means also being the bad guy when he has to be. It also means ALWAYS backing you up, even if he disagrees. Just as you should ALWAYS back him up, even if you disagree. The time for that discussion is AFTER the situation has been resolved. If you two aren't a united front for you child, you're creating a manipulative adult and a FATHER who won't know how to be a good DAD.

This sort of thing really irritates me. It makes dads look bad... stupid and incompetent. I think you have struck a nerve. :) When you said, " He is Super-Dad and the fun one. That's not going to change," I could feel my blood begin to boil.

The good news is that, again, barring any emotional/physical issues, if your husband steps up, kids learn fast. Your son is very young. I really, really feel bad for you. I'll also add that this is entirely based upon your posts. I may be misreading the situation, and if that's the case (believe me), I'll be very pleased to admit I'm wrong. Good luck.

Steve

I just want to add one more thing. In my opinion, there is a difference between spoiled and rotten. My kids are spoiled. I give them everything I can possibly give them. I love them and making them happy makes me happy. But they also understand that the moment they feel entitled to any of the things they have is the moment those things go away. We should all be so lucky to be able to spoil our kids, but for those of us fortunate enough to be in these positions, it's our duty to make our kids aware of how lucky they are. And you can't do that if only one of you is accepting responsibility for the emotional and spiritual health of your child.

Martial Arts Mom

Oh, I feel what you're feeling all the time. I use bad words alot (Hey, no excuse except I'm German and have the language to prove it!) But I know what you mean about creating the problem yourself. I know I have too. It was easier when he was little just to buy him what he wanted instead of being the woman in Wal-Mart everyone was staring at with the kid having the tantrum. (But one difference - I live for Wal-Mart. Trust me - they treat their employees no worse than K-Mart and you never hear anyone putting K-Mart down) But back to the subject. As my son has gotten older, he doesn't throw tantrum as much as beg and beg and beg. It kills me. I try my best to leave him with someone rather than take him in a store. And I know I shouldn't have to do that, but I do. And it's my own darned fault. My husband, unlike yours, is the bad cop. And he just yells and yells and is grouchy about it all. So, just like yours, mine is not helpful at all either -just in a different way. If you do figure something out, let me in on it too. But whatever the case, you are not alone. (But I do know what you mean - my friends are too busy with their own lives and I am an only child with 2 sick parents, a 10 yo son, a college freshman at the community college, and not alot of support. Hang in there!

amber

I understand and haev such empathy. First, give yourself some slack. It seriously is not the worst thing a mother has done. Second, parenting courses, books etc sound like a great idea. Third, I gotta say I agree with Susan. Your Dh need to be your partner. It's so unfair to you that he gets to be the good guy and your are always the bad guy. Also, it's not doing your son any favors.

amber

I understand and haev such empathy. First, give yourself some slack. It seriously is not the worst thing a mother has done. Second, parenting courses, books etc sound like a great idea. Third, I gotta say I agree with Susan. Your Dh need to be your partner. It's so unfair to you that he gets to be the good guy and your are always the bad guy. Also, it's not doing your son any favors.

amber

I understand and haev such empathy. First, give yourself some slack. It seriously is not the worst thing a mother has done. Second, parenting courses, books etc sound like a great idea. Third, I gotta say I agree with Susan. Your Dh need to be your partner. It's so unfair to you that he gets to be the good guy and your are always the bad guy. Also, it's not doing your son any favors.

amber

I understand and haev such empathy. First, give yourself some slack. It seriously is not the worst thing a mother has done. Second, parenting courses, books etc sound like a great idea. Third, I gotta say I agree with Susan. Your Dh need to be your partner. It's so unfair to you that he gets to be the good guy and your are always the bad guy. Also, it's not doing your son any favors.

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