I Try, I Really Do...

In recent weeks, the feelings of desperation regarding our battle with secondary infertility have been exhausting and crippling.  The one thing with infertility is that we have no control over it, yet we long to control it.  We do all that we can to ready our bodies for a pregnancy-we eat right, exercise, take supplements, meditate, etc.  I haven't been doing much of any of that since our last IVF cycle was a bust a year and a half ago.  I just needed time to not let my infertility control me.  I wanted to drink a little, have a Dr. Pepper, eat potato chips.  I didn't want to monitor my basal body temperature, count the days to ovulation, and have perfunctory sex when the time was "perfect." 

However, over the past month or so, I think I'm ready for a little control.  Even if it gets me nowhere, at least I can say I tried.  Right? 

Sigh...so since we are"unexplained" infertility with a potential egg issue, potential male factor, and crappy embryos with a ton of fragmentation, and since we are out of money for now, I wanted to go the more natural route.  I've read a little on Traditional Chinese Medicine, TCM, and the good effects it has on the body.  I decided I would give it a try.  See a practitioner, naturally work with my body to gain balance, and then, after 3-6 months, perhaps try a last IVF cycle.

So yesterday, I called an acupuncturist who worked for three years with an infertility clinic and who recently opened an office in my area.  I worked up the nerve to call for the appointment.  I felt I was gaining a bit of control.  Even if it didn't work, I gave it my all.  And hopefully gained some balance in the process.

And today, while feeling a bit arrogant of my good planning and my attempts at a healthy, balanced body, I received a call from said acupuncturist only to find out he does not regularly come to my area.  He gave me the name of some other acupuncturist, but he doesn't know anything about him.  Gee, thanks.

So, again, I feel out of control.  I feel like I tried, yet I keep getting slapped in the face.  Now, I will have to try to find someone within reasonable driving distance who is experienced in treating infertility.  This is not easy.  I do not live in a metropolitan area.  I am not in an area of people interested in natural healing.  I don't want to go to just any acupuncturist without a referral from someone who knows his/her work. 

I feel so discouraged. 

Comments

[RIta]

Secondary infertilty sucks b*ll. I know. I live it every day. I feel disconnected from the experience of being a woman, from fellow women and friends. Time keeps passing and I have surrendered.

Rita

[amber]

Hi,

You take one little step to get back to TTC and it gets stopped. It's not just having to go to another acupuncturist but I think that one step was pretty symbolic for you. Nobody wants to to IVF. As much as we want another baby doing IVF is really hard especially when you are tired, drained, discouraged. Take a breath or two then try to remember your goal. Go for broke, let the cards fall where they may then you can move on knowing you did you best. I feel good knowing that all this crap will be done by next year. Baby or not I wont have to do this forever. I may not reach my goal but at least I'll get to stop killing myself for it.

[amber]

Hi,

You take one little step to get back to TTC and it gets stopped. It's not just having to go to another acupuncturist but I think that one step was pretty symbolic for you. Nobody wants to to IVF. As much as we want another baby doing IVF is really hard especially when you are tired, drained, discouraged. Take a breath or two then try to remember your goal. Go for broke, let the cards fall where they may then you can move on knowing you did you best. I feel good knowing that all this crap will be done by next year. Baby or not I wont have to do this forever. I may not reach my goal but at least I'll get to stop killing myself for it.