A Woman's Place

Back in the day, let's say the 1950s, women knew their place.  Every morning, they put on their pearls and the heels, made breakfast, made lunch, made dinner, tended to the kids, did the laundry, cleaned the house with a toothbrush, and made pleasant conversation with their husbands only when the moment dictated.  Now, in 2008, do women know their "place?"

This is something I have considered for a long time.  Being married made it come up more often.  Having a child?  Yeah, that put it on the front burner immediately.  What is a woman's place?  Well, look at that list above, make minor variations, add a full-time job and time for exercise (okay, yeah, well, for the sake of my point, let's just say we exercise...) and you have woman's "place" today.  More rights, but more responsibility.  We have more to do because along the way, while we fought for equal rights, we never gave up any of our former "stereotypically female" duties.  So now we do all we did before, but with jobs.  Men?  Well, they lucked out, didn't they?  Now we're doing everything as before (except that whole pleasant conversation with them thing) plus we're bringing in the money, too.  Sigh...

I bring this up because so often I wonder why women are so exhausted mentally, physically, and spiritually.  No matter who I talk to, every woman feels incomplete, depleted, spread too thin, as if something is missing.  Why?  Why is this?  Why do we have so much more, yet we are more depressed?    Have we lost sight of what is important?  Or do we focus too much on acknowledging what is most important instead of just living and being.  Are we reading too many self-help books instead of just going with our guts and hoping for the best?  Do we just have too much information and not enough time to absorb it?  Do we need to absorb it?  My list of questions goes on for miles, but the overall question remains unanswered. 

While I love the life I have, my son, my husband, my cats, this beat up old house of ours, my jobs, my family and friends, still I feel like I am just getting by every day.  I never feel like I am truly living, enjoying.  And when I do take those few moments to let go and really enjoy, well, I feel guilty for doing so.  A mother's/woman's lot in life? 

I know these feelings in women are not new.  They did not evolve with women's rights since we have seen this theme in so many historical journals of women (I'm thinking a bit of Virgina Woolf here), but there does seem to be a simplicity in not having to question what your role is.  You stayed home, you tended to the house and family, you went to church.    Period. 

When I first got married, I enjoyed "playing house."  I liked coming home from work, making a great dinner for my new husband, talking over said dinner, cleaning up while he relaxed, etc. It felt, at the core, peaceful and right.   But after a few weeks of exhaustion, twice the laundry, cleaning a disgusting bathroom full of man things, I got over the playing house enjoyment. 

I'm certainly  not about to don the heels and dig out my strand of pearls I wore with my penny loafers and turtlenecks in the 80s.  I'm far too busy to clean my house, let alone do it with a toothbrush.  I like all my graduate degrees and my ability to work.  Still, a part of me wonders...what would it have been like to know my place and not have to stray from that?  Would I be happier?  Or would I desire the things I was unable to have?  It all hurts my head a bit.  Thoughts?

Comments

[Black Belt Mama]

I hear you. This is why the students in my women's studies classes didn't like me. I told them that Women's Rights activists wrecked things for me (Of course, I was kidding, partially anyway). I have to do all the June Cleaver stuff, plus contribute monetarily. Not cool.

[SoCalledSupermom]

Amen!

This is one of those topics that we all think about and ponder and spend too much money on books to figure out. But we never talk about it.

I, for one, gave up the toothbrush cleaning but none of the rest.

Again, AMEN!

ps--found your blog through a friend of mine (worldofwinks.wordpress.com).

[Steve]

Okay, speaking from the LARGE group of guys who aren't developmentally stunted, many women don't do these things and they still get done. While I do 90% of the cooking, if I don't feel like it, my wife is always willing to step up. Conversely, if she's out of town or something, I'm happy to do a few loads of laundry. The world doesn't stop.

I've been thinking a lot about this very subject for the last few months, but from the other side. As my wife becomes more and more obviously pregnant, I'm not looking forward to patronizing women congratulating me for not being a neanderthal and/or developmentally disabled. We're only in the 2nd trimester and a stranger has already told me to "give my wife a night off." Oh, brother.

[Rita]

I too am exhausted. My day is compartmentalized into 'must-do' activities. I am a working mother who ends up doing most of the after hours childcare plus all the housecleaning. Why? Because my husband puts in 14 hour days at work plus weekends. He is emotionally and mentally fatigued when he does come home before the child goes to bed. There is nothing left for me at the end of the day and now I realise that half the problem in the marriage is my inner rage over the fact that this partnership is not equal.
Rita

[Renovation Girl]

BBM-June Cleaver with a black belt? Hmmm...am I seeing a sit com pilot in your future!

SoCalledSupermom-Welcome! Amen. Amen. Amen!! ;)

Steve-Nice to have a male's perspective on this. Also, nice that you do work around the house. Remodel Man does major renovations on our house, but the daily upkeep-not so much. Of my friends, I can think of 2 whose husbands do even 25% of the daily work. Your wife is a lucky lady! How annoying those comments are about "giving your wife a night off." I do try to be sensitive in real life to all sides...being infertile, there is a lot of unknowing insensitivity from people. I try (and I'm sure I don't always succeed) to be as sensitive to others as I can and not say stupid things. Thanks for commenting!

Rita-A lot of problems Remodel Man and I have come from my inner rage, too. Although not at paying work for those many hours, he does spend much of his "free time" working on the renovations. It gets old. Good phrasing, inner rage!

[SpinDiva]

WOW I think about this when I'm going out of town and must write a schedule for my DH. I have to say in his defense, I'm with the kids a lot more then he so obviously I know their schedule better. But some of our arguments have definitely been my "inner rage" and his response is usually, if you want help or something done just tell me don't hint or expect me to know. We're getting better at communicating these little issues and I'm getting better at not being a control freak. LOL. Great Post!! Love it.

[Mizasiwa]

hi i taged you in on ameme i hope you dont mind