It's been on my mind recently that we are lucky. While we have been trying to have a second child, a playmate, confidante, and friend for Builder Boy, worrying about raising him as an only child, fretting over how he will have to deal with adulthood alone, without anyone to complain to about the elderly us, he's just, well, being a kid. A patient kid, mind you, as Mama was off to one of her many appointments, or was on 24 hour bed rest, or was upset with a recent test result. While we worried for him, he didn't. We would visit friends who were pregnant, and I would excitedly (behind my mask of strength) point to the pregnant belly and say, "Look, there's a baby in there." His reaction..."yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's play."
He's just not interested. At all. And I feel very lucky.
We've never had to deal with painful questions about why Johnny has a sister and he doesn't. He never questions that Mama has a sister and Dada has many sisters, but he doesn't. He sometimes asks general family tree stuff-"I'm your son, Mama, and you're my wife?"-but no questions about why he's alone in this house. He is King of this castle, and he likes that just fine.
I have to imagine that the asking of the innocent question, "Why don't I have a sister/brother" has to be horribly difficult for the infertile. To already feel so inadequate, this added pressure would defeat even the strongest among us. I think because it's part of the reason we try again, and again, and again. At least for me it is. I don't want Builder Boy to grow up alone. My sister, for all her idiosyncrasies and crises that happen on a daily basis, is still my sister-the only one who can truly understand what growing up in our house was like, who knows just what triggers our father into rage (and does them anyway), and what gets our mother a little silly (just one very small glass of wine). The answer to this question lies in the pain we deal with every day, mostly silent pain so as not to disturb the balance of our three-year-old's life.
So, yes, I feel incredibly lucky that Builder Boy is just not interested in babies or has asked us that question. Perhaps it is a silver lining in this very dark, very large cloud that just won't go away.