RenovationGirl

The New Year Starts Today

Okay, well, it was supposed to start today.  You see, every year, I find it hard to work on some of my resolutions because I still have residual holiday crap at my house.  You know those hangers-on from the holidays...the box of milk chocolates that were a hostess gift, the extra cookies in the freezer, the chips and crackers and cheeses left over from the party.  So, I always give myself until the Monday after January 1st to begin my "new year."  But, this year, I still have a lot of hangers-on, so my new year will be starting in a few days. (yea, yea, yea, I know I could throw away the leftover stuff, but ya know, I'm not a waster...)

It seems so cliche to write about your resolutions...resolutions that we all know will fade away into the late-winter blues.  We all pretty much have the same resolutions (be healthier, be a better person, get more organized), we just have different ideas on meeting those goals. 

So what are mine and how will I get there? Here goes nothing...

1.  I will continue to try to get our home de-cluttered and somewhat organized.  I am going back to this idea will work.  It the slow, but sure method of cleaning.  We are also working already on cleaning out our third floor...donating items, throwing away items, reorganizing.  We have a lot of square footage up there covered by all the "stuff."  We have committed to doing things the right way-instead of moving piles, we're taking care of the piles.  It takes longer, but the effects last a lot longer.  

2.  I will get back to planning my meals out so that I don't have the 5:00 dinner freak out which usually results in takeout or eating out.  It's a process I enjoy, but it so often gets thrown to the wayside when things get harried. And I am also going to remember that when I don't think I have anything to make for dinner, I need to really look in my freezer because usually there is something there I could make.

3.  I will try to eat better.  I'm thinking I'll do Weight Watchers again online.  It worked the first time and I felt better.  This time, though, I'd like to include more exercise.  This requires our treadmill to come from the third floor (see #1) to the second floor.  The room that it is going into needs to be cleaned up and out, so I'll have to do that first.

4.  I will try to be a better mother and wife.  This is always on my list all the time, New Year's or not.  To accomplish this, I am going to try to spend at least one full hour of time with my son without distractions...no internet, no cooking, no phone calls, etc.  This helps me feel less guilty as I leave for work for the second time in a day, or have to make dinner, or clean the bathroom, etc.  Knowing that I spent that quality time with him makes all the difference in both of ours lives.

5.  I will try to worry more about myself.  Sounds selfish, but over the past year (and the four years before that), I have spent very little time taking care of myself.  I need me time.  I need time to be creative, to write, scrapbook, create cards, bake, have a drink with friends.  This makes me happier which makes me a better mother and wife and teacher and daughter. I have already started to work on this by blogging a bit and planning on an overnight crop with one of my bestest friends (and the money has been paid, so we're officially doing it!! Thanks, Porsche Nut!)

6.  Lastly, I will continue trying to spend less and save more.  I started six months ago by "paying myself first" and putting away 10% of my income-which on what I make is not much, but it has helped to build up the non-existent savings account.  We are in a lot of debt, so this can't be a resolution that falls off the radar.  We have no choice but to take care of this.  More to come on this in a separate post.

So, that's my list.  Notice they all start with "I will try" because I don't' want the pressure of failing at them.  Some days, I will do well, others I won't.  That's reality. Here's hoping that I can manage most of them.  So what's on your lists this year?

Did I Forget to Mention....

I forgot to tell you that I had my final blood draw three weeks ago for the molar pregnancy and I am happy to report that all is well and we were given the "all clear" to begin trying again.  I am so glad to be done with the worry of the monthly tests and so glad that my awesome doctor got all of the bad cells out of there during the D&C.  I'm not exactly sure if we will be trying again...our break put a lot into perspective.  Our son is 5 1/2.  Even if we got pregnant this first month, he would be six when we'd deliver.  That's a big age difference.  Besides, he's growing more and more independent each day.  We question whether we want to go back and do those newborn days again when things are just starting to get easier.

Don't get me wrong, I still desperately want a sibling for my son, but we're just not sure that doing something about it is the best thing for any of us. So, we'll mull over things, enjoy the holidays, have a few drinks, and then think about this in the New Year.

For now, though, no cancer cells in me as far as we know, and this is a great Christmas present.

Say Something Funny, My Laughter's Running Out

Builder Boy loves when we laugh at something he does or says.  He is a funny kid and this often happens.  But, like I'm sure many kids, he doesn't know when it's just not funny anymore.  He'll say or do whatever makes us laugh over and over and over again.  He used to get very angry when we weren't laughing anymore, too.  He's starting to understand that what was funny at first, after 100 or so times, it's just not that funny to others. 

He has never been a child to whom laughing came easily.  He did the whole belly laugh when he was a baby, but as he grew up, it took a lot to make him really laugh.  So, when he gets started, he likes to keep going. The other night in the car, the three of us we were goofing around and laughing about something and, as laughter does, our knee-slapping laughter turned to chuckles to giggles to merely smiles on our faces.  It got peacefully and companionably quiet in the car when we heard Builder Boy from the back say, "Say something funny, my laugher's running out."  That started the laughter all over again.

But later, after we had put him to bed, his simple and uncomplicated comment hit me.  For over a year now, my laugher's has run out.  It's been tough and a constant barrage of complications.  My heart has ached and my shoulder have been weighed heavy with burden.  And I have, in my own way, begged out of desperation for someone to "say something funny" to help bring that laughter back. But I've learned in the past year that no one but yourself can bring that laughter back.  And while I'm still not laughing, I'm finding a chuckle now and then.  I feel as if the clouds have parted a bit and the sun is sneaking through here and there.  And while life is still throwing complications our way (my father-in-law is currently in the hospital with some crazy infection), I feel as if I  might be moving forward now. It's a good feeling and one that I have needed for quite some time. 

So, if you have something funny to say, I know for a fact that someone somewhere has their laughter running out...

One Month To Go!

In one month's time, lots of things will be happening for us.  We will have just celebrated Thanksgiving with our families and will be in full holiday preparation mode.  We look forward to this particular holiday since my husband's entire family usually makes it into town-and this is no small feat.  It is a day of eating and talking and laughing and eating some more and talking some more and laughing some more.  It's always a party with my in-laws, even when it's not a party and I like this stress-free day of family.

Around this time, too, will be a change in our lives.  Assuming all goes well, my final monthly blood work check will be over and we will be done with the "not trying" phase of our infertility.  Not sure where that leaves us.  In talking about recently, both Remodel Man and I admitted that while another baby would be wonderful, we would be okay with moving on.  Don't get me wrong, I ache when I see those bright-eyed babies smiling at me at they suck their fingers, but Builder Boy is five now.  He's largely independent. He's easier in some ways than ever and we are able to do more with him.  I think we are both in the "if it happens it happens" camp.  I'm still sad that we are a family of three, but more for Builder Boy than anyone.  So, when the times come and we're given the go ahead to try again, I think we'll just not hinder anything from happening, but we also won't actively "try."

In a month's time, I may also be experiencing a change in career.  I am toying with the decision now, but I'm not convinced which way is the best way for me and for my family.

The most exciting part of the end of November is that we're going to the happiest place on earth-Disney World.  I could not be more excited, especially because we are staying in a pirate room at the Caribbean Resort.  Builder Boy is a big fan of pirates so he will love this.  I'm excited to experience the magic of this trip with Builder Boy and Remodel Man. 

So, this month is a big one for us.  How about for you?

"Quality Time"

Back when Builder Boy was a newborn and I was living with the idea that I would have to go back to work full time when he was four months old, I read an article that discussed the amount of quality time mothers spend with their children.  Shockingly (or not so shockingly), the article discussed how mothers who work outside the homes actually spent more quality time with their children than stay at home moms.  This made me feel better (although not much) that I would be spending less time, but better time with him.  (This is the simplest way of looking at my time then...it was wrought with complexities and confusion and despair.)  Of course, like any experiment, you look for/find the results you want, and I am sure there were articles out there that contradicted this point on quality time.  However, in my own personal experience, I think there is some truth to this in my life.

Now, let me put this disclaimer in here so that I don't get any mean or nasty comments -this is based on my experience alone.  Also understand that I am a work at home, stay at home, and work outside the home mom...I do all three. 

During Builder Boy's entire life, I have been consumed with my inadequacies as a mom.  I am not the cheerleader type of mom, or the arts and craftsy type of mom (yes, my friend Mom of Twins seems to think I am, but she's wrong).  I don't set up a million play dates or host little mom get-togethers.  I lack patience (Oh, Lord, help me with this one!), and I don't often gush about my child.  I love him in that primal way a mom does.  I love him with every fiber of my being.  His accomplishments make me far happier than anything I have ever done (remember those infant days when you thought you would burst with happiness because your kid pooped after three days of constipation...yeah, it doesn't get better than that!) and I feel so incredibly blessed every day that I was given this chance.

Yet, I don't feel that I am living up to "this chance."  Yes, he has shelter.  Yes, he gets hugs and kisses.  Yes, he has plenty to eat.  He has toys galore and fun experiences to boot, but truly, if I reflect on the past few years...I have to be brutally honest with myself that I have not spent much quality time with him.  After the 18 month mark, when Remodel Man introduced Builder Boy to the television, things have changed.  Of course it is easier to have him watch tv instead of play with him.  Good?  No.  But I bet most moms out there do this at least from time to time.  Since I work from home, it enables me to get quiet, relatively uninterrupted time to work, make calls, etc. My work, which is necessary to our survival, has decreased the amount of time I spend with him.  What little quality time I could spend with him, I am exhausted or stressed.  I speak unkindly and although I know I am, I have trouble turning that around.  He suffers for this, I know, but I don't know how to change this.   I worry that I am damaging him, hurting his self-esteem, making him shy and insecure.  Mind you, I am not saying mean things...I am reacting to him in tones that are not nice.  Or my patience gives out and I am snippy.

On the days that I pretend I am a stay at home mom, I hear myself saying, "Just a minute," or "I have to do..." or "you need to learn to play alone."  Here he is begging for my attention, and I am constantly putting him off.  So he plays for a few minutes then asks for a tv show.  Things need to be done...our house is constantly a disaster, bills need to be paid, doctor appointments need to be made.  "Things" end up coming before quality time with him. So  much so that I wonder, had I gone back to work full-time when he was an infant and only had to work one job, would our time together have been better because it would be cherished?  Did I make the wrong choice out of despair and love?

My mother-in-law always tells me that when he is older, he will always remember that I was there...I may have been working at the computer in the next room, but he will remember that I was there to get him what he needed and not some nanny-stranger.  He will remember that I took him to school and picked him up most days and spent time in his classes and made him cheesy chips for lunch.  That I took the time to read him books or kiss his booboo's-But is that enough?  What about the hours I put him off for work?  Or all the times that I am so stressed I am short with him?

Remember, he is an only child and has no one to play with.  And before you regale me about the importance of independent play, he's five  and independent play is hard.  Heck, independent play is hard for most adults, too! 

So this post is part interesting article topic on who spends more quality time with their kids...stay at homes or work outside the homes (and yes, the answer to that question is...every single person is different!) and part I seriously suck at this mom thing. 

Now please play nice in the comments section...remember that I went in for some anti-anxiety medicine and came out with a heart murmur and NO DRUGS!!!! 

There's Always Tomorrow

Dear Builder Boy,

I'm so sorry that you hurt your head and that your fishing trip that was planned for today with your grandparents.  It's a bummer to have plans changed and a big cut on your noggin...but Builder Boy, can we try to make the best of it?  Instead of freaking out over every little thing and getting so frustrated you cry, do you think we could try to laugh off a few things?  

And all that television watching?  It's rotting your brain, little man.  You have more toys than most children have, yet you rarely play with them unless I force you to. Should we get rid of them?  I didn't think so...

I know you think Mama is a human jungle gym, but I'm here to tell you, my body doesn't bend that way, or that way, or withstand the whippings of a five year old.  And while I know these giant thighs make great sounding drums when slapped, it really stings when you do it.  Could you stop?  No, I really mean it.

We've had a bit of a bad day together, but there's always tomorrow.  Perhaps after a good night's sleep, we'll both be feeling a bit more patient.  I love you, buddy.

Love,

Mama

Seeing Red

I hate the color red.  It doesn't look nice on me, and while I like it in some home decorating, red is just not a color I like.  Last night was no exception.

I worked last night and came home to find Builder Boy still awake.  Remodel Man and Builder Boy were making an effort to make it seem like they were busy getting ready for bed (which they weren't) and Builder Boy came running to see me.  This is unusual (not the pretending they were already getting ready for bed...the running to see me)  because Builder Boy is very good about letting us leave him and tends to not like it when we get home.  It ruins the flow of things...whatever "fun" was happening in his mind has to stop because one of us came home.  So, I was delighted to hear the patter of feet running towards me.  Then, I was not so happy when I heard the loud bang, followed by a wail. 

I ran into our living room and Builder Boy was holding his head.  I scooped him up and took him into my lap.  "Where does it hurt?" I asked.  He pointed to his head and I put my hand there to rub...when I took my hand away, it was covered in blood.  My son's blood.  His blood.  On my hand.  From his head.  The rest is a bit of a blur... Remodel Man came in, saw the amount of blood coming from Builder Boy's head, and said, "Oh my..." quietly to himself.  I knew it was not good.  And I am not good when things are not good.  Matter of fact, I pretty much suck at situations like this.  But I am the mommy, so I tried to remain calm.  We tried to stop the bleeding to get a better idea of how bad things really were.  We found out what had caused the cut....this:

 

The guilty party was our side stairwell newel post.  It has very sharp point edges.  We have had accidents with it before since all the very sharp pointy edges are the perfect toddler/preschooler height.  This was the first that drew blood.

After we got the bleeding mostly stopped, I measured the cut.  It was "only" 1/8 wide by about maybe 1/2 an inch.  According to some doctor website, this was not a "gaping wound" and it was not necessary to get stitches.  To be sure, we called the real expert-my mother-in-law.  Mother to seven, grandmother to seven, nerves of steel.  She said stay home.  I didn't know what to do, but the bleeding had mostly stopped, he was ready to run around again, and there were no signs of concussion.  So we stayed home, cleaned the wound. iced it, applied some Neosporin with pain relief, and put him to bed.  I slept on the floor in his room, rousing him every so many hours just to be sure.  He groaned a lot in his sleep and I caught him once scratching his head around the wound (ugh!) and once holding his head as if in pain.  But he did seem to get a decent night's sleep considering.  (Mom of course did not...)

He has seemed fine all day today, except maybe a bit tired.  I am relieved that scariness is over and I really don't want to go through something like that again.  To you pros of major wounds, I know this sounds like no big deal, but to this mama, it was a huge deal.  And it truly reaffirms my color choices...I really hate red.

Wait, Watch Me, and Mama

There are certain triggers for me that make my heart start racing, where I feel claustrophobic and want to jump out of my skin.  These moments inevitably occur with Builder Boy...because of Builder Boy.  He knows how to push my buttons, and push them  he does.  However, these triggers are not meant to be button-pushers...they are just a part of his conversational pattern.  Even as a tiny little guy, he had little noises he would do over and over and over again.  For probably a year, he would start every sentence with, "I have to tell you something."  To which we would say, "Builder Boy, just tell us..."

For his entire life, every single sentence begins with "Mama."  I hear my name over and over and over and over and over and over again.  We used to joke that it would be a killer drinking game.  Honestly, though, it is so irritating after the thousandth time. 

One particular word that I hear all day which seriously makes me start to freak out a little on the inside is "wait."  If I try to leave the room, "Wait, Mama..." followed by a prolonged silence where Builder Boy attempts to think of something to say to get me to stay in the room-this after he has asked me to go get him a drink or snack. At bedtime, it's  "Wait, Mama" followed by "I have to tell you something." It drives me mad. 

His latest repetitive phrase is "Watch me."  At the pool, every little movement is preceded by, "Watch me, Mama."  I tell him over and over and over again that he is the only person I have to watch there, so he doesn't need to keep telling me to do so.  And I am watching.  He has my undivided attention.  I am all his.

Is this just me or does you kid have things like this that drive you nuts?  Please share...your annoyance might be our enjoyment.  Oh, and wait....

In the Early Morning Hours

I'm trying something new this week to help me with the constant feeling of being twenty steps behind in every phase of my life.  It is not an easy thing for me, but it has its rewards.

I'm getting up early. 

Okay, for most of you, this may not be an issue, but for me, who stays up extremely late grading papers, cleaning, and relaxing, this is a huge deal.  I feel that after an entire school year of getting four hours of sleep a night, I deserve my eight hours of sleep over the summer.  So, I would sleep in until Builder Boy would wake me.  Sometimes it's 7:30, other times it's 9:30.  When I got up that way, it felt good to sleep, but I had to go from wonderful sleep to spirited five year old...before my coffee.  By the time I got Builder Boy dressed and downstairs, we were already ready to kill one another.  Not a good way to start the day. Hence my early morning plan.

I'm not getting up that early, but earlier than he is.  I set the coffee the night before and some mornings I wake up to the smell of it brewing. Mmmmm. Some days I get my shower out of the way immediately, other times I just enjoy my warming early morning drink stinky and scungy, but relaxed and waking up more peacefully. I discovered that by doing this, I am more patient throughout the day.  I feel less resentful when I can't get my tasks done.  I am playing more and better with Builder Boy.  I am cooking healthier breakfasts and planning more dinners in.  I'm saying, "Just a minute" a lot less to Builder Boy.

All in all, these early morning hours are centering me for the day ahead and while I know this will not work during the school year (unless I want to only get three hours of sleep), it is good to know that we are peaceful and having fun for the summer months. 

I'm interested in how you center yourself.  What rituals or habits provide you with some peace?

Every Night's a Party

I wasn't pleased about getting this new job working retail.  I've been there and done that (for 16 years!) and I swore I'd never go back.  So it is with a heavy heart and a chip on my shoulder that I go to work.  Mind you, THEY don't know this, the people I work with.  I am chipper, pleasant, efficient, flexible, humble, etc.  I am, in essence, their perfect employee.  But inside?  I am seething with rage.  One of the the biggest issues I have with it is the time away from my family.  This is not the company's problem, but I still irrationally hold them responsible.  

I want to be at home on these pleasant summer evenings.  I want to catch fireflies and make s'mores and give Builder Boy a tubby after a hard day of playing outside.  I want to go to the pool in the evenings when we have the place to ourselves and make a ruckus and not care how fat my belly looks in my bathing suit.  I want to sit outside after bedtime and have a glass of wine with Remodel Man.  Instead of all of this, I'm manning the cash registers or folding clothes.   

It has been especially tough on Builder Boy who is used to having me here in the evenings.  He was very angry at first and said some horrible things to me.  It broke me because I am doing this for him.  I am providing him with a stable life.  Without this job, we could not make ends meet.  But he is too little to understand.  We tell him and on some preschool level he understands, but it's really a "Mama works at T.a-r.g.et so I can have toys" mentality.  Yeah, that's right Builder Boy.  ;) 

But, for all my anger and Builder Boy's hurt, we discovered something today...we discovered that the nights when I AM home have become an event.  Some nights, we stay up late and watch a movie, struggling together on the couch with a big bucket of popcorn.  Other nights, it's a trip to Rita's in the rain.  Tonight, it was a s'mores making night and a late night tubby.  Not all nights have to have special things, either.  Just being here together makes it an event. 

While I'm still irritated to have to go to a fourth job (really, though, only two during the summer), we are looking at this silver lining...that every non-work night has become a party for us and hopefully we are building memories for Builder Boy...ones that he will carry with him as he grows up and has a family of his own.

 

Had my levels checked again this week and we are still triumphantly at one!!  Yay for another negative!