RenovationGirl

One Month To Go!

In one month's time, lots of things will be happening for us.  We will have just celebrated Thanksgiving with our families and will be in full holiday preparation mode.  We look forward to this particular holiday since my husband's entire family usually makes it into town-and this is no small feat.  It is a day of eating and talking and laughing and eating some more and talking some more and laughing some more.  It's always a party with my in-laws, even when it's not a party and I like this stress-free day of family.

Around this time, too, will be a change in our lives.  Assuming all goes well, my final monthly blood work check will be over and we will be done with the "not trying" phase of our infertility.  Not sure where that leaves us.  In talking about recently, both Remodel Man and I admitted that while another baby would be wonderful, we would be okay with moving on.  Don't get me wrong, I ache when I see those bright-eyed babies smiling at me at they suck their fingers, but Builder Boy is five now.  He's largely independent. He's easier in some ways than ever and we are able to do more with him.  I think we are both in the "if it happens it happens" camp.  I'm still sad that we are a family of three, but more for Builder Boy than anyone.  So, when the times come and we're given the go ahead to try again, I think we'll just not hinder anything from happening, but we also won't actively "try."

In a month's time, I may also be experiencing a change in career.  I am toying with the decision now, but I'm not convinced which way is the best way for me and for my family.

The most exciting part of the end of November is that we're going to the happiest place on earth-Disney World.  I could not be more excited, especially because we are staying in a pirate room at the Caribbean Resort.  Builder Boy is a big fan of pirates so he will love this.  I'm excited to experience the magic of this trip with Builder Boy and Remodel Man. 

So, this month is a big one for us.  How about for you?

Forgot to Tell You

Last week's blood results continued to show a negative HCG number.  So, we're officially on monthly blood draws now.  It is quite a relief and a lot less stress having to figure out how to do the blood draw every stinking week.  I am cautiously optimistic that things are going to be okay.  Hallelujah!

Negative!

In the world of the infertile, the word "negative" is not a word we like to hear...but today, that word was a magic word to hear.  Okay, technically, the nurse said, "borderline negative," but hey!  I'll take it!  Here it is, my sixth week blood draw post D&C for my molar pregnancy:

HCG- 5

Under 5 is considered negative, hence the borderline diagnosis.

I'm down to two cysts which are shrinking very slowly, but shrinking nonetheless!  The dr also noticed two follicles on my other ovary, indicating that ovulation will be occurring sometime soon, so it looks like things are going back to somewhat normal.   So four more weeks of weekly blood draws if all stays negative, then monthly after that for 6 months, maybe a year.

PHEW!!!!

Since school is winding down now, things are very busy.  I have many, many papers to grade and very little time to do it.  I have also taken another job, (yes, that makes four now) so that is also taking up my time...hence my silence.  I'll be writing more soon.

Thank goodness summer is almost here!

Some Days...

Some days, things just don't seem to go well.  Today was one of those days.  It's not that anything went horribly wrong, but things just didn't go horribly well, either.  Very rarely do I have a day off of work with Builder Boy where we are not running from appointment to class to errand.  Today, we just had one class, a fun time for him and an hour's break for me.  So we were able to start the day by just sitting in our jammies and playing.  (Okay, I sat in my jammies.  Builder Boy insists upon getting dressed immediately upon opening his eyes...while in some ways a good thing, some days, it'd be nice to just get up and go downstairs.)  We took our time.  Ate some yummy muffins I had made a couple of days ago.  He enjoyed a cold glass of milk while I enjoyed a steaming hot mug of coffee.  Very little television was watched and it was feeling good. 

Then things changed.

A game we were playing didn't go well.  I had to get a shower and couldn't entertain him for a few minutes while showering.  He didn't want to eat lunch.  I didn't want to play the same thing for the third hour.  He got mad as we drove to his Sports Skills class for...I have no idea what.  My hours' break while he was at class when I should have been grading papers became a time for me to question why I constantly feel so incompetent.  I called a friend just to hear the voice of someone who has more faith and confidence in me than I have in myself, but I had to leave a message.  I searched around for some bargains at a store, but couldn't find any.  I came back to pick him up from his class feeling unsettled.  He was energized and happy-I was exhausted.

We came home and took a long walk, and this was good.  But back at the house, he was crabby.  He played with the much older neighbor child only to be hit in the head with his own toy at close range with a foam airplane that can shoot (when not aimed at a five year old's head at point blank range) 30 feet. I flipped out.  Angry that the thirteen year old neighbor child could be so irresponsible.  I called my parents to try and settle this internal unrest, but they didn't want to talk.  I tried to clean up the kitchen after dinner, but Builder Boy needed help with something (while Remodel Man walked around outside doing...what???) which ended in another tantrum for both of us. 

So while this wasn't a day where bad things happened, it just seems like things are lining up.  I might be PMSing it, but who  knows when you get your period after your uterus has been vacuumed out? 

Tomorrow is my ultrasound to check on the ovaries and see why my estrogen levels are skyrocketing.  While I'm pretty sure these are just cysts, other issues have surfaced causing significant health alarm.  I am overwhelmed by their possibility and feel a great burden right now.  

So there you have it...some days are just like this... 

On Becoming a Mother

Holidays can be tough.  While they are a time of celebration and relaxation, I always ponder about those whose hearts are hurting because of the holiday.  People who are missing their deceased mother, children separated from their mother, and those longing for a child.  Certainly, being infertile has made me extremely sensitive to both Mother's and Father's Day.  As I sat in church today looking at the people around me, I couldn't help wonder if any of these people were longing for a child and that sitting in church hearing the special mother's blessing and the intentions for all mothers brought on that physical ache...the one the feels like a giant hole that is collapsing in slow motion.  If I didn't see a child with a woman, I did not say, "Happy Mother's Day."  I have been there.  I have felt that pain.  I have felt excluded from "the club" and it emphasized all the private insecurities I had. 

All of this reminded me how extraordinarily grateful I am for being allowed the opportunity to be a mother.  And while our son is biologically ours, I am reminded of all the ways that we can be "moms."  In my  mind, a mom doesn't have to be a biological influence...consider all those incredible parents out their who have given little ones, and not so little ones, loving homes through fostering or adoption.  But we can also be moms through other channels.  Because to me, a mom is more than someone who has a child in her home.  A mom is:

• any woman whose heart desires a child
• any woman who guides a friend or loved one through her grace and compassion
• any woman who lovingly opens her home and heart to those in need
• any woman who has miscarried a child
• any woman who has suffered the loss of a child
• any woman who cares for pets like members of the family
• any woman who has longs to be called "Mom"
• any woman who teaches others to be better human beings

We are women, we are sisters, we are moms.  Happy  Mother's Day.

To my blog friends who are dealing with primary infertility, please know that my heart is truly heavy for you on a difficult day such as this.  I pray that you will be blessed with the life you desire. 

Just Keeps Getting Better

2nd Weekly Blood Draw Post D & C:

HCG 55 (woohoo!!)

Estradiol 479 (up from 159-BOOOOO!!!)

We'll do another blood draw next week and add an ultrasound to see what's going on in there.  The Dr. thinks the rise in estrogen might be caused by ovarian cysts...cause ya know, I haven't experienced THAT yet.  Lovely.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

I Hate the Rain

As I sit to write this, drenched to the bone, mascara running down my face, soggy clothes on, the skies are turning blacker than ever and yet another storm is moving in.  I'm done.  I am so tired of the rain.  I know that it brings lovely flowers.  It's helping our transplanted trees flourish.  It's giving our lawn mower a real workout.  But darn it, I'm sad and I want to see the sun.

I'm mad.  I mean really ticked off. I'm sad and furious that this molar pregnancy happened to us.  I feel like a perpetual black cloud is hanging over us.  Works sucks.  Our finances suck.  Our fertility sucks.  Suck, suck, suck!!!!  (can you imagine the hits I'll get from that?!)

Is there a grief stage that is anger, because I'm there.  If just one thing would go well, if I could just feel competent in one area of my life, I could get through.  But right now, it's all falling to pieces and I'm tired of it.

So, Mother Nature, would you mind throwing a girl a bone and having a couple of sunny days in a row?  I know this is Western Pa and I know it's spring, but please? 

Truthful About Prayer

Think about how many times you have said to people, "You are in my prayers."  Or, "We are praying for you."  Now think about the follow-through.  Do you?  Do you actually pray for those people...not just at the one moment that you tell them you will, but every day?  It's been on my mind these past few weeks as we first told a few people we were pregnant, then had to tell them it wasn't happening.  Most people responded with their support and prayers.  But are they praying?

There are a few people in my life who truly live to exemplify the Savior.  When they pray with me (and trust me, they pray, I sit and listen), it is as if the Lord is speaking through them.  These people I am positive pray for me daily.  The others, I'm not sure.

I know that I have made the promise to pray for someone only to think a few days later, "Oops!"  I feel bad and hope that my heart is known to Him and subconsciously I'm praying for them.  I'll be honest, too, that much of my praying happens at bedtime and sometimes, well, I don't quite make it through my list for the day.  The rest of my praying occurs when I am driving...during this time prayer is often interrupted with an expletive or two at some moron driver.  Ahem.  Not good.  Not good at all.

I imagine if we are all truthful about it, there are those to whom we have pledged our prayers and we haven't followed through. Not because we were not being truthful, we really do want to pray for them, but because our minds get muddled with our own "stuff" and we forget. 

I've been trying very hard in my own pain to pray for others more consistently and with more specificity so that when I say, "I'll be praying for you," I mean and follow-through.  How about you?

The Lottery

10-15%:  The amount of couples who are infertile.  (That'd be us!)

15% of those couples will have unexplained infertility. (Yep, that's us, too.)

1 in 1,000-amount of  pregnant women who will have a complete molar pregnancy. (You guessed it...diagnosed just today!)

I'm going to play the freaking lottery...I'm just defying all odds now.

Delayed Reaction

I guess it was inevitable.  Things happened so quickly that we were just dealing with the immediacy.  I was doing soooo well.  In three days time, we found out we had lost our pregnancy, learned that the pregnancy might be molar, did all my pre-op tests and visits, had the D&C, and began recovery.  There wasn't a whole lot of time to stop and mourn what was happening.  We just had to get through it. And so we did.

By Monday, I thought I was home free.  I had little to no bleeding.  Little to no cramping or pain.  My spirits were fine, considering.  I was back at work after a long spring break, up early, no time to rest, going from teacher to mother.  Soon after Builder Boy came home from school, the cramping started.  This was followed with an incredibly tense cramp, very similar to a contraction, and then the bleeding began.  Perhaps this was the flood gate opening.  Since then, I just feel sad.  Lonely.  Overwhelmed.  Yet, it hasn't been bad enough that I break down.  People ask how I am, and I smile and say fine, reassuring them that I am okay.  But I guess I'm not.  I don't know.

I'm a crier by nature.  I've told you this before.  But this time, I find the tears don't come as much or with much gusto.  A good cry frees me up from the sadness for a little bit, and without this outlet, I'm feeling like a dam that's about to burst-just not quite yet.  Sometimes, it's a conscious effort to control my emotions-at work it's not acceptable, with my family I'm trying to lessen their sorrow in this too (and we've had a tough year so far with Dad's stroke and my sister's abdominal surgery), and as a mom with a child too little to understand, well, you just have to suck it up.  The other times, though, I'm just not dealing with it, I guess, and therefore, not much happens even if I am able to let go.

On one hand, I am incredibly sad for another lost opportunity to fulfill our family, provide Builder Boy with a sibling, and bring our hearts the joy of new life.  On the other hand, I am terrified by what's to come.  Preliminary pathology results show a partial molar pregnancy.  These results weren't conclusive, so they have been sent to our local women's hospital who specialize in these types of things.  So we wait some more. 

This delayed reaction is unnerving.  I kind of thought I was fine.  But with Monday's flood gate and a passing week of work and stress and the realization that my baby is going to be five in just a few days, it's all getting to be a bit too much.  With each passing day, people forget what happened to me.  I don't expect them to fawn over me or "handle me with care," yet my pain is increasing when others assume it is lessening. 

If you've read this far, wow, and thanks.  It's more than noticeable that I am all over the place right now.  Bear with me...