RenovationGirl

A Hushed Message

A few days ago, a got home from work to a message on our voice mail.  In very hushed tones, PorscheNut said, "Hey, call me back when you get a chance.  I have a story to tell you.  Porsche Peanut told me she and Builder Boy were playing truth or dare in his bedroom..." Click. 

Um.......

Since it was late at night, I couldn't call back right then, but truth be told, I wasn't ready to call back.  I wanted to talk first with Builder Boy to get the scoop, or at least hisscoop, as well as collect myself.  We knew the day would come when we'd have to worry about the boy/girl thing, but they're only going into first grade!  I was getting a little hysterical on the inside thinking of all the things they could have been doing during the clandestine game of truth or dare.  And since I have the boy, well, I was sure it'd be his fault whether is was his fault or not. 

In the meantime, before I could begin the interrogation, I talked with PorscheNut.  The following morning, I questioned Builder Boy about the situation. 

Me: (slyly) Builder Boy, were you and Porsche Peanut playing truth or dare in your bedroom?

BB: (without missing a beat) No. 

Me: (thoughtful)  Hmmm...really?  Because Porsche Peanut said you guys were...

BB:  (introspective silence)

Me:  (going in for the kill) You wouldn't have been daring one another to lick the bottoms of your feet, would you?

BB:  (stopping suddenly, he throws this over his shoulder) Stay out of my business, Mama! (and stomps off)

Oh boy, we're in trouble...

Approach With Fortitude Then Run Away Scared

I did it today...well, part of it.  I've dreaded it for years now.  The thought of it made me physically ill and created panic attacks of epic proportions.  But I put on my big girl panties, walked up those flights of stairs to our third floor and walked right up to those boxes and bins.  I walked up to them, determined that I would show them who's boss around here.  I waded through piles of stored items until in the farthest corner of the room, buried deep amongst Christmas wrapping paper, newly put away preschool toys, a play kitchen, and cookie tins, there they were in all their glory.

It was a bit of a showdown...I stared at them, and they stared right back in all their dusty glory.  I would not be deterred, no sir.  I dropped my hand right into their midst and grabbed the first thing my hand felt-a small bag. I whisked them away from their counterparts, bigger and fuller boxes and bags, and marched back downstairs, threw them on my bed, prepared to show them that I meant business.  I ripped open that bag and the items scattered across the freshly made linens. 

Oh...

It took my breath away.  Literally stole the breath from my body.  Out tumbled pastel fluffiness.  And I thought my heart might break. 

In this small bag of items that had been forgotten when the initial box of baby items had been sent into storage seclusion was a mishmash of babyhood.  A few small changing pads, a few bibs, a couple of hats, and a sheet for the pack and play.  That's it.  Nothing more.  No cute socks, or a favorite outfits, or cuddly blankets.  Nothing that held any particular memory.  Yet, that mishmash of forgotten items with no particular memory instead held all the memories.  All the things I have feared facing as we end our journey. 

I have left all of Builder Boy's clothes, toys, and linens untouched.  We have had no need for the space, and so there has been no need to purge any of the baby things.  I kept them at first for our next baby.  When the next baby alluded us, I kept it for the "just in case baby."  But "just in case" baby has become "never gonna happen baby."  It's time.  I feel it.  It's time to let go...of the journey, or the dream...and all of the baggage that goes with it.

In the midst of writing this,  reliving that brief moment, I had to stop.  On the verge of hysteria, my only thought was, "Call PorscheNut."  We spent some time crying on the phone together...she's already done this purging of baby items...and talking about how it was the memories that mattered, not the things, and that this parenting step was so incredibly hard.  Now still feels like the right time, though.  With Black Belt Mama expecting her baby boy soon, now is the time to move on, let someone else use the precious items.  It seems a whole lot easier to give them to someone I love instead of packing them up in garbage bags to be sifted through at Goodwill. 

I ran away from that little bag upstairs.  It's all waiting for me on my bed.  I will have to confront it at some point before bedtime.  Then again, I can always sleep in the spare room...

While Everyone's Asleep

Everyone is asleep in the house.  The cool, night air, a welcome relief from the glaringly hot day, laps into the house.  I sit, in the kitchen.  The place where I spend most of my days at home.  It is a mess and I should be cleaning.  But it can wait.

For now, I focus on the positive.  The fun summer times we are having as a family.  How our summer focus is on family and not the house.  Bike rides and trips to the zoo and a visit (twice) to a historic village in town and lots of days and nights at the pool. Play dates with friends and long conversations with kindred spirits who are too far away.  Breathing in the clear nights and allowing the sun to soak into the skin.  A birthday celebration and time with family and a trip to the sandy beach soon.  A mother who gives her everything and more for her family and a grandfather who loves spending time with his grandson at a coffeehouse under a shady tree.  Watching the Stars Wars movies, starting with 1 and working our way to "our" Star Wars movies.  Ice cream and homemade popsicles and eating dinner on the patio.  Veggies and  potato packs on the grill and fresh cherries we could eat by the poundful.  Reconnecting with close friends and making new ones. 

What I will not focus on is my mammogram tomorrow or my aunt's fatigue after her first round of chemo.  Builder Boy's breakdown earlier today or Remodel Man's stress.  My sister's loneliness or my mother's concern for her family.  Our financial stresses or the overwhelming work schedule this week.  A school year that has already started with drama and stress and a little bit of comedy.  Buying school supplies in mid-July.

No, for tonight, I will focus on the quiet of the night.  I will focus on the life we live now.  I will focus on the family I have been blessed with and the friends who support us.  Because while everyone's asleep, the mind can take me to the bad places, but there is time for those places...or not.  I'll focus on the not...

Hanging With The Birds

Do you ever have those days where in the moment you realize, "I will remember this day"? It's not a momentous occasion, but there is something about the day that makes it special and memorable.  A few days ago, I had one of those days. 

A friend of mine was in from Florida, visiting family and taking her adorable girls to see where mommy and daddy grew up.  We joined them at the National Aviary, along with another friend of ours, who lives in the same area I do and shamefully we never see one another.  These two women are women I worked for a few years as I started teaching.  I saw the good people they were then, but as I have grown as a teacher and a mother and a women, now I see the amazing women they truly are.

Getting together with friends after a few years can sometimes be awkward, especially when you add your children to the mix. Not so with this group.  While Builder Boy was a bit annoyed with all these girls (it was him and 4 girls...his comment?  "Mom, two girls is really enough!"), he ran around with them watching the penguins, scouring trees for colorful birds, and and waiting patiently for those bald eagles to come out of hiding (they never did). 

 (This is a Victoria Crowned something or other)

 (lawn ornaments...heehee)

 (stupid bird was posed very prettily...until I shot the picture)
 
And while the kids checked out all the birds, the adults talked...and talked...and talked.  We really could have done without the birds (especially because two of us have a slight fear of them), but it occupied the kids while we got to catch up.  Our conversations were easy, flowing from subject to subject, as if we still saw one another every day.  The kindness of these two friends is unparalleled, but it's not the suffocating kindness that comes from a foul-weathered friend (you know the type...they really just want to be in your business so they can gossip about you to others).  It's an honest kindness and affection. They are the type of people who will listen and affirm you.  They don't judge, even when they think differently.  We're able to joke together about the perils of parenting, even when the issues are serious and emotional. And they are both the kind of friend you can go to even if you haven't talked with them for awhile.

After the Aviary, we weren't quite ready to head home, so we headed to Pittsburgh's South Side and to a place called the Milk Shake Factory.  OH MY!!!  I have never had a milkshake this phenomenal before! Dark Chocolate Blueberry.  Can you imagine!  We sat in this modern ice cream parlor surrounded by amazing chocolate treats while I Love Lucy played on the flat-screen television.  We all ate our ice cream treats and talked some more. 

We still weren't ready to leave one another, so we strolled down the main drag on the South Side to The Pretzel Shop.  These are truly the best pretzels in Pittsburgh, cooked in a giant wood-fired oven.  As a child, my dad would take us down there to watch them cook the pretzels.  This time, we grabbed some pretzels and feasted on them on the front stoop of the shop.  As I sat there, I marvelled at how relaxed I was.  The hum of the talking, the kids teasing one another, the unique foot traffic you see on Carson Street in Pittsburgh...at times, I realized I had totally zoned out of the conversation (sorry, ladies!!) because I felt so at peace.

It was a memorable day...a perfect summer day...a day of contentment spent with friends...and a few birds.

 
 

 

The Turning Point

At some point during a personal struggle, there is a turning point. That moment when you realize that you will be okay, that you will make it.  This time around, I didn't think I'd get there.  It's been a week and a half since the D&C...it feels like a lifetime.  When I wrote the last post, I was rock bottom.  In a place where I feared to go, but I never truly knew the depths of this place.   I commented to a friend today that in retrospect, it seems so silly, yet in the moment, the despair and darkness is terrifyingly overwhelming.  All was lost in my mind.  No happiness could be found.  That was the end for me.

Shortly after I wrote the post, I received word from some colleagues of a rather bad situation at our work.  It wasn't surprising since the professional atmosphere is practically non-existent and there was some foreshadowing of this situation. As soon as word got out about this, the phone calls commenced.  Just the mere talking to colleagues about work helped to start pulling me out of the pit I was in.  Concentrating on something else besides me and my struggles lifted some kind of weight I had been feeling.

This is not to say that it's easy to pull out of those times.  It's not.  It's not a quick fix.  You don't just jump back to your former self.  There is a void and a pain.  There is an ache.  Some days, you move along perfectly fine.  Other days, you feel paralyzed by your grief.  But not feeling the constant weight every second of the day is forward movement. 

I've learned during this last loss that for the most part, if someone hasn't gone through pregnancy loss, especially recurrent loss, they have no idea how difficult it is.  I've felt "blown off" by many people close to me and I truly think it's total ignorance.   They have no idea.  I thank God for my sister-in-law whose support and prayers have been an immeasurable help to me and for the friends who have reached out, especially those who are blessedly fertile and have no idea what any of this is like.  I have work friends who I know only through work (and therefore only in that barely know you except for work way) whose hearts broke with mine when this all happened.  It is because of these people that I am still kicking along.

So I work on moving forward.  I'm working on enjoying these beautiful summer days with Builder Boy, finding lots of fun activities to do, or just generally enjoying our home and yard.  I suppose if you must go through a loss, having it during sunny summer days help to lift your spirits.

A Day Like Any Other...(sort of)

We had busy day planned yesterday.  Two doctors appointment (one for me, one for Builder Boy), then an hour's drive for a birthday party, then a quick trip home for dinner, and finally up to our church for our summer festival.  But this day ended up anything but norma.

My Beta HCG numbers dropped at Wednesday's blood draw, but because the heartbeat had been seen the previous Friday, the doctor wanted me to continue on the progesterone and come in Friday for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed what we all expected not just this week, but for the past two ultrasounds-nothing.  The gestational sac look pretty empty with just the remnants of the yolk sac.  Our baby was gone.

I held it together and we talked options.  Since my doctor's schedule was pretty well booked the following week, he told me he could do the D&C that same day. I hadn't really planned on that, for sure.  I managed to get a late enough surgical time that I was still able to take Builder Boy to his well-child visits, take him to lunch with Remodel Man, and drive him the hour to his birthday party.  When I told our friends who were hosting the party that Builder Boy would have to leave early and explained why.  They told me they'd take him home with them, he could even stay the night if he wanted.  It was all I could to do to not burst into tears at the kindness.  I trust them completely with my child and this took a huge burden of stress off of me. 

I made sure Builder Boy was all set to be there without me and headed to the hospital. Because Remodel Man just started a 100% commission job, he stayed at work his normal hours and then picked up Builder Boy.  I did the whole surgery prep by myself.  I won't lie that at some times, it was easier to be alone, but those moments of complete silence, the moments when you realized the magnitude of what you are going through, well, it was hard to be alone.

The procedure itself went fine.  I am blessed that this hospital if top notch, and it's "only" a little community type hospital.  The nurses are warm, and kind, and hold your hand.  They make you talk about how your feeling.  They even tear up when they realize that this is your 3 time there for this same procedure.  They let me keep my glasses on to go into the operating room, which is unheard of usually.  I managed to not get sick from the procedure (thank you anti-nausea patch behind my ear!) and was home by 8:00 PM. 

And that's it.  You get up one morning pregnant and by 8:00 PM that night, you're not.  Besides the physical reminders, the bleeding, dizziness, slowly fading full breasts, there's nothing left.  Only a couple of ibuprofen are taking away any discomfort.  The dizziness is hanging on which is very annoying and I am a bit crampy and extremely exhausted. I also must have touced the patch behind my ear when I was sleeping and then casually rubbed my eyes when I work up, so now I have the joy of dilated eyes and lots of blurriness (forgive the types if there are some...).

When the doctor and I talked in the morning when were we going over what he thought the problem was (crappy eggs), he actually teared up for me.  He told me how he knows how taxing this can be on someone, both emotionally and physically.  He's such a good, kind man.  He'd like us to try one more time with a Lupron Super-flare cycle (kind of makes me sound like a infertility super hero!!), but we haven't decided yet.  I really don't want to do this again and again and again.  So we'll see. 

So at 8 weeks, 5 days we said goodbye to our fourth lost baby.

The Girly-Girl With The Muddy Toes

We've been trying to get together for months now, PorscheNut and me.  Our kids enjoy playing together and we need the friend time.  So a couple of days ago, our schedules aligned and we set about making plans for the day.  Since it's summer, I'm all about outdoor, summer activities,  but neither one of us is very outdoorsy.  We're suburban girls who believe that "roughing it" means a three-star hotel, so an outdoor activity usually involves a park, playground, or swimming pool.  Until a couple of days ago when I happened to check a local farm's website and found that they had extended their strawberry-picking to, what's that-yes, just until that day we were looking for something to do.  It must be fate!

 

So we packed up and headed out, meeting for a should've-been-quick-but-ended-up-being-a-looooong-lunch before heading out to the farm.  That's when I realized...I had left my sneakers at home.  Here I was, sporting my usual summer footwear-flip-flops. I have spent a bit of time on farms and know that flip-flops aren't exactly proper footwear attire for farm life.  Oh well, what can you do.  So off we went to the farm. 

As we piled out of our cars into the blazing hot sun, PorscheNut commented that she had forgotten the sunscreen.  Uh, yes, well...so had I.  But what could we do?   Here we were, at the farm, ready to pick some yummy strawberries.  So off we went. 

 We picked our baskets and into the fields we went. 

 
It truly was a glorious day...warm and humid the way a good summer day should be.  But we've had lots of rain over the past few months and the ditches in between the mounds of strawberry plants were wet.  Okay, they weren't just wet...they were a soupy, muddy mess.  Soon, we were cackling as we slipped in the mud, arms flailing, trying to keep our strawberries in our baskets, but not falling on our butts into the mud. 

 
As we stooped and slipped, trying to find perfect strawberries, shouts of "I'll never complain about the prices of strawberries again," or "I never would have made it as a pioneer wife!" could be heard over the field.  And PorscheNut said not just once, "Whose idea was this, anyways?!"  But we looked out over the fields,

 
at the beauty of the day, and place, and the relationships joined there, and all of a sudden the mud and the burning sun and blown-out flip-flops and muddy sneakers just didn't seem to matter anymore.  

 
Because there were smiles at funny strawberries...

 
and friends helping friends carry heavy baskets laden with red wonders. And then, of course, there was the reason we came:

 
 which turned into this:

 
and this:

 
(my Portmeirion plates, although lovely, do not photograph well!)

As we were packing up to head home, I told PorscheNut how honest this all seemed.  How true.  That this type of work, this type of labor felt so real.  Not that teaching isn't a noble career, and certainly not that I wanted to begin a life of farming, but even just the short time we spent in the fields, with the strawberry plants and mud and the lake just beyond, I felt lighter and freer and more connected.

Girly-girl from the suburbs or not, I think I'd do okay with a house surrounded by a lot of land to gaze upon.  Even if it means wading through muddy fields with my flip-flops on.

 

What I WANT To Do on My Summer Vacation

I always give myself a week or so after school ends to decompress after the long school year.  This year proved to be more challenging as Builder Boy entered the world of big-boy school and quite suddenly, I found myself going from teacher who is a parent to a parent who is a teacher.  This was a change and at times quite challenging.  Add to that the other two jobs, a new job for Remodel Man, and the desire to always be a better mother, teacher, wife, sister, daughter-you have one stressed out Renovation Girl.  My week is over now and now comes the summer bucket list. 

My friend Shayne recently wrote about this-how one minute school is letting out and the next, you find yourself walking your kids to the bus stop for a new year of school full of regret for all of the summer things you didn't get around to doing.  I feel that way, too.  These summer months fly by in a flash and I don't want to miss out on all the wonderful and unique experiences that summer offers.  Some items we have already accomplished (go us!!), some we will do again and again, and others we need to make the time for without fail.  So here it is...my summer bucket list:

1.  Organize my craft room and get crafting.  I have some sewing projects that I need to do and want to do and right now, you can barely walk into that room.

2.  Purge the basement and third floor.  While I realize I can't do this entire project in one summer (yea, it's that bad...), I would like to make a considerable effort to purge and organize. 

3.  Rethink my entire year of lessons for school.  Argh...I'll think about this one later. 

4.  Go to the zoo-we have two near us.  We've already gone to Oglebay's The Good Zoo this week, but we'd also like to go to the Pittsburgh Zoo. 

5.  Pool time-lots of it.  This is another one we've already accomplished, some days we even went twice.  We're lucky that lots of Anthony's friends belong to the same swim club this year, so it's lots of fun to hang out and watch the kids play together.

6.  Kennywood.  Not from around here?  Kennywood is our local amusement park and if you're a true Pittsburgher, you never miss a summer!  Potato patch french fries, two wooden roller coasters, waffle ice cream sandwiches-yum!

7.  Idlewild.  Not sure we'll get around to this one or not, but Idlewild is Kennywood's sister park, but for the younger set.  Storybook Forest, a jungle area for kids to explore and climb, plus a huge water park. 

8.  Baseball.  Not going to lie to ya, I'm not a baseball fan.  I love the experience of going to a game, but the actual game, not so much.  We can blame it on the fact that I live in Pittsburgh (ya know, home to the Pittsburgh Pirates...usually the nation's most losing team, although apparently things are going better this year!).  But to sit at PNC Park, overlooking the river and our beautiful city, waiting for the fireworks while you eat your way through the innings, cheering for your favorite pierogi during the Pierogi races, it's just too fun to miss!  We're lucky to have the Washington Wild Things, a minor league team, playing 10 minutes from us.  If the weather breaks, we'll be heading that way tonight. 

9.  Working on reading and writing with Builder Boy.  Started this already...slow going, but going nonetheless.

10. Play time-lots of it.  I want to spend more time playing and less time separated by television and computer screens. 

11.  Playdates for Builder Boy.  I'm fun and all (okay, well, not really), but the dude needs to be with kiddos his own age.

12.  Campfires-n-s'mores.  This is a favorite summer night activity...we've already done two.  One at the neighbor's, one at our house.  I just love sitting by the fire, watching is crackle and burn, all the while knowing oI get to sleep in a bed in a house and not on a tent floor.  (Clearly, I am not the camping type, but I love a campfire!)

13.  Lego Museum.  We discovered that there is a Lego museum about 45 minutes from us.  This was one of the first items to go on our list.  Builder Boy will be in heaven!

14.  Movies, of both the theater and drive-in experience.  We managed to see Kung Fu Panda a few weeks ago at the drive-in (don't ask how it was...I slept through it...).  We still have yet to see: the new Pirates, Judy Moody, the Jim Carey penguin one, the zookeeper one, the new Winnie the Pooh, and Cars II!!!!  It's going to be a great summer for movies!

15.  Crafts and other educational things.  While I like the summer, I also know how stupid it can make us...kind of like that commercial for one of those learning centers where the letters are falling out of the kids ears, so I want to provide some educational things for Builder Boy to do. But shhhhh, don't tell Builder Boy it's educational.

16.  Stay pregnant.  Sigh...no comment. 

So that's the beginning of our bucket list.  What's on your list for this summer???

A Change in Posts

I had planned on coming on here tonight to show you my new kitchen backsplash and blah blah blah about poor me...but this puts it all in perspective.  Please watch this video from my beautiful blog friend, Becky, who even during life's greatest struggles, has told me that she is there for me. She's amazing and her son is even moreso.

    

No More Elephants In The Room

Probably the hardest part of this past and, most likely, final cycle is the fact that one of my most favorite  people in the world was blessed with an unexpected pregnancy.  While usually I can step away from the pregnant world because most of my friend's are done with their family-building, I cannot this time.  I will be immersed in the land of pregnancy for the next eight months.  This is a true test of friendship.

Those who have experienced infertility know that you can have dual emotions of a contradictory nature-you are at the same time overjoyed for your friend and crushed for yourself.  This time was not different except this friend is one of my bestest friends in the world.  And so, for the past few weeks since she called to tell me her news, we both have been dancing around those elephants in the room.  And it has sucked. I think we both were unsure of how to react to one another.  I will not try to stifle such deserved joy, but with each comment on the pregnancy, I felt as if I was socked in the gut one more time.  Certainly, if Wednesday's news had been positive (and subsequently I would have been able to deliver a full-term baby), we would have had a blast trading pregnancy symptoms and newborn woes.  But we all know that didn't happen. 

Because I am angry and frustrated and bitter, I have avoided contact.  I didn't want to lash out on her and I also didn't want anyone to pity me because I was lashing out.  She also has avoided me because really, what can she say?  She was so upset for us that her pregnancy came so easily.  She was devastated for us that the cycle didn't work.  She knows how difficult this is for us.  But life is good for her right now (excluding all the awful and annoying first trimester issues) and she shouldn't hide that.  So we continued dancing.

Until yesterday.  Yesterday with just one email, those elephants disappeared from the room.  She reached out and that was all I needed.  Do I still feel crappy by my circumstances?  Heck, yeah!  But am I as filled with anger and bitterness?  Not really.  It took a lot for her to send that email, to let me know she just wasn't sure what I wanted or needed, but that she was there.  I was painfully honest with her and terrified this would end our friendship.  But it didn't.  And perhaps as we move through her pregnancy together, we will come out on the other end even stronger.

I still question God's timing in this situation, but I know one thing...now that those darn elephants have moved on, we can get back to being ourselves.  Phew!