It seems kind of funny to me that most people who get medical tests done are hoping for a negative. You're getting tested for cancer-it's negative-Hallelujah! You get tested for an auto-immune disease and it's negative? Praise be! But with infertility, you hope and pray for that positive result. Infertility is weird that way.
As suspected, we did get a negative result yesterday. It was not surprising, but still as devastating. Probably most upsetting, besides the stupid things people who have no understanding of this say, is how crushed my doctor's office sounded when they called to tell me. I had told them earlier in the day (when they called to see why I didn't go first thing to get my blood work...I figured, why stress myself out getting up early, still being late for work, for a negative result?!) that I had peed on a stick and it was negative...I was reprimanded for that. Later in the day, when they called, I think they were glad I was prepared. I, of course, let the call go to voice mail...it makes it easier on all of us.
So, I stopped taking the progesterone and wait for the hated period to arrive. The doctor is gung-ho to try a new protocol, and even though we said we were done, I won't lie and tell you I wasn't considering it. The money isn't there (this doctor only takes cash/checks, no credit) so we definitely can't do it this month, and quite frankly, I'm not sure we can handle it emotionally this month, either. But I've never had a new protocol. Ever. We have always done follistim-and that was it. This past time, we did add ganirelex (sp?), but that's wasn't such a big deal. So, if you're a fellow infertility sufferer, let me know if you've done a lupron flare and/or menopur, which is what he's hoping to add.
The day itself was filled with little blessings and little annoyances. They balanced one another out well, which made it bearable. Certainly, Builder Boy's snuggliness and sweetness (he must have said, "I love you, Mama" dozens of times!! which is a rarity!) made everything seem just fine. And the salesman at the Pretzel Factory who struck up a conversation with me while we were waiting for our pretzels to finish baking kept me from breaking down in an embarrassing heap after my blood test. And the nice lady who let my car into heavy traffic eased my anger a bit. Although, the phlebotomist who was maybe 20 and who insisted calling me "honey," almost got decked. And the pathetic excuse of comfort from certain friends enraged me a bit. But, finishing the day off with another wonderful conversation with PorscheNut, a few episodes of Raising Hope (dear Lord, that's one funny show!), and a chapter of the current book I'm reading, calmed me enough to get to sleep.
I'm not sure where we go from here. I know, ultimately, we will be fine. That's what life is all about...pain, disappointment, then recovery. We will find joy, we will find purpose. But this is not easy. And I am very angry.
I'm really sorry about the negative. I wish it had been different for you!
Posted by: Heidi | February 24, 2011 at 03:12 PM
Damn it. I'd be angry too! Since I don't know anybody with a crystal ball, and even if I did, I'd be tempted to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, I can't offer any insight. Um, not that I have any anyway. So, my oh so poetic comment is... That sucks. Oh, except for the I love you parts.
Posted by: TeamWinks | February 24, 2011 at 07:38 PM
There's so much that's so ironic about infertility. My 20's were all about thinking I needed to prevent pregnancy. I remember many times fretting over a late period. If only I had known then...
I take Menopur and Bravelle right now. I haven't been on any other drugs so I don't have anything to compare it to but I haven't had any issues with it.
Posted by: Articia | February 25, 2011 at 12:25 PM
Here from the Roundup. I'm sorry its negative. I didn't go through IVF so I'm rather ignorant of the protocols. Still, walking away from the RE and treatments was difficult. There's always that voice saying "what if it works the next cycle?'
Posted by: geochick | February 25, 2011 at 01:56 PM
Blah...lousy news.
Am I right in guessing that one of the harder things is keeping your sadness away from Builder Boy? I know that with many real, sad things, I try to keep my emotions hidden, because they worry small ones. I can only imagine how difficult that balance would be, trying to work through how you're feeling while trying to be positive at home (and work too.)
So, so sorry.
Posted by: Shayne | February 26, 2011 at 09:35 PM