In the past few days, I have been touched by the many friends who have sat with me during the last few days of what is looking like my last cycle and the end of my journey. From Heidi and Becky who ride this roller coaster themselves, to my work friends, to Ann and Shayne, my dear sorority sisters, and my best friend from all the way back in fourth grade (which, if you're counting, was just yesterday....). Knowing that you all are there and holding my hand lifts me up.
Each interaction has been unique, yet just as helpful and fulfilling. Just yesterday, as I walked into my part-time job, C. lined up the weekend...she had created two sets of plans-both of which she called "celebrating." Her thoughtfulness just about brought me to tears until that big bullseye. I am always overwhelmed to know that people are not just thinking of me, but feeling for me. Her plans were so incredibly generous, sincere, and thoughtful. I thought about them all night as we got whopped with 5 inches of snow over a nice layer of ice and I had to drive home on unplowed roads. Argh.
This morning, over my morning coffee and scone, I had a heart to heart with PorcheNut. I thought about how many of these we have had over the years...they are too numerous to count. The hour long (oh yeah, somehow both of our kids let us talk that long!) conversation lightened my heart a bit. She said all the right things, gave perfect advice, but best of all, I got to cry without feeling vulnerable or judged. She told me things I needed to hear...That I can get through this. That it's total crap that I have to go through this. That I am strong. That I have a good life. And she told me to focus on the pros in my life instead of the cons.
So here they are:
1. Builder Boy grows more independent each day...meaning I can have more and more "free time."
2. Without being saddled with a newborn, we can take another Disney trip and do other fun trips that Builder Boy would love.
3. I will not be fat and miserable during the summer months without air conditioning. (Although, in my defense, because I treasured my only pregnancy and realized it as the miracle that it was, I never complained too much about it, so I really wasn't ever "miserable.)
4. I can drink...and drink...and drink...
5. I will not have to take time off of work and lose 6 weeks of pay, then have my heart ripped out each day as I leave a precious baby behind.
6. We can stop accruing debt and work harder to pay it down.
7. I can continue to give Builder Boy the time he deserves.
8. I can start working on myself and my marriage.
9. No sleep deprivation.
10. No sore boobs (or crotch, for that matter)!
11. No extra baby weight to lose.
12. Imagine the money we'll save with only one child to raise.
I know there are so many more pros that I'm forgetting. Feel free to add your own in the comments sections. Of course, the cons to a negative cycle are many, too, but today is for the pros, because I tested again this morning, and the test was still negative. Looks like this is the end of the road for us. Official results tomorrow afternoon.
Money for the house... that builder boy can have and not fight over! Only one kid to cart around to all those annoying afterschool activities and never having to say "no its XYZ's turn to...."! Not another scrap book to start!
But the drinking... oh the drinking!
Posted by: corley | February 22, 2011 at 05:00 PM
Love you, love you, love you...**giant hug**
You are an amazing, strong woman, with a gift for using your words to share this raw part of your journey.
Posted by: Shayne | February 23, 2011 at 01:19 AM
You are so, so right - the pros have saved me time and time again. You have a wonderful list. We want to go back to Disney, too - it was such a special, magical time!
I've recently started realizing that although I want a baby just to have a baby, there are also some underlying reasons I want a baby. I'm learning that although I may not be able to have another baby, I CAN bring some of those underlying things into my life in different ways. I'm working on thinking that through and being creative in my solutions.
I'm sorry it was negative again! (((hugs)))
Posted by: Heidi | February 23, 2011 at 10:45 AM
I am so glad I could help in any small way. I think of you often. I love the positive, but know it's to keep from allowing the pain to shatter your heart into tiny bits. So, positive it is! Let's see, you are soon going to be able to go to the bathroom without an audience or loud banging on the door. It is much easier to get a sitter for one child. You will no longer have to play the "what if" or "by then" pregnancy game. You can now do a mass cleaning of the attic! How was that? Did I do ok? ;-) Sending you a big hug from here. Keep your chin up.
Posted by: TeamWinks | February 23, 2011 at 01:01 PM
This is a great idea listing the pros and cons and I think I'll probably do this exercise, too. Unfortunately, unlike you, I don't already have a child, so I am looking at living child free or continuing to battle infertility.
I wish you the best, whatever road you choose.
Posted by: Gail | February 25, 2011 at 09:17 AM
How did I miss this post?! I'm so glad we have each other! I love your list of pros. We'll come up with lots more. I love Corley's post - not another scrapbook to start. LMAO! I can't even make it past the first 6 months of PorschePeanut's life! We'll have time for crafting - and money to buy more purses and bags! And energy to go out after work on a Friday night again! The list is endless. Love you!
Posted by: PorscheNut | February 26, 2011 at 09:20 AM
Way to stay positive. I know it must be hard... and it's ok to be upset about it. I hope you continue to stay positive as much as possible (((hugs))) from the Friday Round-Up
Posted by: myinfertilitywoes | February 27, 2011 at 08:18 AM