The Party's Over

During my freshman year of high school, I had my first taste of theater.  We did Bells Are Ringing-an extremely dated, yet delightfully innocent musical.  This musical was the first for me of what would become my dream, education, and now occasional hobby.  One particular song from it you may know as many crooners remade-The Party's Over.  To refresh you, here are the lyrics:

The party's over
It's time to call it a day
No matter how you pretend
You knew it would end this way

It's time to wind up
The masquerade
Just make your mind up
The piper must be paid

The party's over
The candles flicker and dim
You danced and dreamed through the night
It seemed to be right
just being with him

Now you must wake up
All dreams must end
Take off your make-up
The party's over
It's all over my friend

 

As I thought about writing this post, many ideas floated into my mind, and while I have been drafting this post for about a month now, it was only yesterday that the need to write it became a reality.  I've been hiding a secret from my blog friends.  I did it because many real life friends read my blog, and I wasn't ready to share this information with them just yet.  Now, there is no information left to share. Yesterday, at 8 weeks 2 days pregnant, after many blood tests and three ultrasounds, the doctor declared this pregnancy a "missed abor.tion" (an absolutely horrid term for there's no heartbeat and you didn't miscarry on your own).  While my HCG numbers were rising, my progesterone was being supplemented, my nausea was worsening, my baby wasn't alive.  So that is that.

Tomorrow, Thursday, I will head in for a D&C to remove all "conception material." While a D&C is not my personal favorite option, there is a chance, based on some abnormalities, that this is a molar pregnancy.  Don't go looking it up...it's terrifying.  Bottom line is that they need to test the material to see if it is bad stuff which could lead to cancer.  Soooo, I'm not only dealing with another failed pregnancy and the normal issues associated with that, but the big "C" word is looming in front of me.  Yes, the chances are slim, the occurrences are rare, yet I still had to have a baseline chest x-ray today "just in case."  This made it very real.

You'd all be very proud of me.  All those years of theater have paid off.  I am talking to people about it, people who are getting upset for me, and I am remaining composed (BBM, you're the exception as my personal, unpaid therapist!).  Builder Boy is clueless except that Mommy hasn't been feeling well and the doctor is going to take care of it.  I am being downright stoic.  Yet, those song lyrics keep floating in and out of my mind...

 

The party's over
It's time to call it a day
No matter how you pretend
You knew it would end this way

Comments

[Black Belt Mama]

I have been thinking about you non-stop and will be praying for everything to be ok tomorrow too. You will get through this and I will help you to do so.

[Avitable]

BBM sent me over.

I'm sorry to hear about your current difficulties. You'll definitely be in my thoughts!

[Marguerite]

Oh, Renovation Girl, my heart goes out to you. ((((HUGS)))) You're in my thoughts.

[Heidi]

I'm so sorry!!

[pawpads]

I'm another that's come over from BBM.

I'll be thinking about you ~ and wishing you nothing but the best.

[Sarah]

Tagged on from BBM - she's really in your corner, you know?
I'm putting my whole self into hoping this is not as bad as it could be - and sending massive hugs because, regardless, I know a miscarriage hurts more than almost anything.
I don't know you, I know, but - just letting you know that you don't always have to be stoic and strong - you are allowed to grieve and worry and be very upset. Please allow yourself to feel, even if just with BBM.
Hugs.

[Adrianne]

I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine the depth of emotions you are feeling. Please know that there are those of us, even those you don't know, that are lifting you and your family in our thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

[Mr. White Tiger]

Sent by BBM....

I've been through this twice with my wife so I can understand what you're going through.

Be blessed!

[TeamWinks]

I am so so very sorry that this is happening. I wish I could help in some small way. Thinking of you...

[Amanda]

You're in my prayers. You're so blessed to have such a good friend in BBM. I understand what it's like to lose a baby, and my heart is broken for you.

[Mel]

Sweetie, I am so incredibly sorry. For the loss, first and foremost, and having to go through the D&C. But now the waiting to hear if it is a molar. I am sending good thoughts and a hug.

[Charlie On the Pennsylvania Turnpike]

Having read BBM, I wanted to let you know you are in my prayers.

[Martha]

Here from LFCA, so sorry. I will hope and pray for the best.

[psumommy]

I'm here from BBM's blog.

I'm so, so sorry to hear your news. I know I'm a stranger, but you'll be in my prayers.

[Mark Cook]

RG,
This is "Oldman" via BBM. There really aren't words to soften the blow, ease the pain, predict the outcome. Only know that there are people who have shared the same pains, and those that haven't, but will. Your experience will bring a type a knowledge that is often the only consolation for those that will walk the same path after you.

My best wishes for you.

Mark

[Good Egg Hunting]

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the added stress of the testing. I wish you a clean bill of health and peace and comfort as you work through your grief. Take good care of yourself.

[Teresa]

Nooooooooooo. Oh mama I am beyond words sorry. You're in my prayers and I will sit here and curse every fertile person out there for you. ((((HUGE HUGS))))

[defendUSA]

BBM "sent" me.
It was 16 weeks before I had a clue. The Doc let me wait 3 more days to see if I would spontaneously miscarry. I didn't.
I heard that term "missed abortion" and then had a DC.
Hang in there, and keep the faith.
By now, you have had your procedure and I hope you are feeling okay.
I tend to be stoic about this stuff and my military training always comes back to me in spades if I choose. You'll know when you don't need to be stoic anymore and that's okay, too. :)

[BlackBeltat50]

I agree with BBM on this one. I have no idea why terrible things happen, often to great people. My thoughts are with you...

[Beth]

Just wanted you to know I was praying for you. Also June of this past year I too experienced a complet molar pregnancy, I know how awful it is and I know how to pray for you!

[Ann Kimmel]

This post took my breath away - my heart is just broken for you. I'm praying. I'm so, so sorry.

[Stacey]

Please forgive the lateness of this comment. Just getting caught up today.

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. Praying that the Lord will comfort you & that the tests will be okay.